When I was a child, I played with dolls. I read them bed time stories. I kissed their plastic, synthetic faces and practiced being the best ‘mommy’ that I could be. Which, to a 7 year old means, “You need to take a nap Dollie!”
When I was in grade school, I watched people go off to college and come back with boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancés/etc. I watched my friends be their flower girls, and oh, how I wanted to be one. Because be honest, what 11 year old doesn’t want an excuse to wear high heels and mascara before she hits junior high?
When I was a senior in high school, I realized that I too, was about to go off to college where expectation had already been laid out many times over. Go to college. Work hard. Get good grades. Don’t be too homesick. Oh, and bring home a husband…
Having never even been on a date before…. This. Thought. Terrified. Me.
And when I graduated from college, WITHOUT a boyfriend, much less a husband, I was, strangely relieved….
Now, before you all think that I am a man hating feminist who wants to do everything herself or a self righteous priss who wants it to just be “me and God, only and forever”, let me explain.
I wanted a family; at least I was pretty sure that I did. But, I wanted to understand myself and my relationship with Jesus more. And I wasn't sure if I could balance another person at the same time.
Up until the point I graduated, I felt constantly pulled in a million directions. Everyone always needed something, or I was always doing something. It had never really bothered me, mostly because I was too busy to think about it. However, as graduation grew near and I was preparing to move back to Seattle, I realized I had an opportunity to be… free….
And I wanted it. I wanted it bad.
I have no judgment on people who don’t want what I want. We are all wired different. There was a time, embarrassingly enough, when I did have some judgment. I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about and why people wanted to hurry up and get married so fast. You have more bills. More laundry. More cooking. And you can’t be spontaneous. How boring…lol
Then Jesus gently reminded me, that we don’t all want the same thing, nor should we. We are all called to different paths, and that is ok. So now, when people get married, I party with them. But I don’t usually sit back and wish that I was the one getting married instead. I am just unabashed and openly overjoyed for them. Because, it is what they want.
So what do I want, you ask?
The Lord and I had a prayer session one night, and for the sake of transparency, I will share what I prayed.
I asked the Lord….if I could live on my own for awhile before I started seriously dating anyone… or getting married for that matter.
Maybe it sounds like a weird prayer, but I had never felt like I had a space to call my own. A space where I could think, breathe and have the freedom to do things my way. At my pace. And I really wanted that. I knew instinctively that in order to be the best “me” that I could be for someone else, I needed this time and space.
Even though I knew I need this time and space, it didn’t stop me from the occasional day dream. But why is it, that whenever you have those occasional daydreams, your facebook newsfeed blows up with all these post about marriage or singleness? It’s like facebook reads your mind…. And are there ever a lot of posts out there regarding singleness. Most of them are annoying.
Posts that give you a 1, 2, 3 step process for being content with your single facebook status, are irritating. Here is why they annoy me – they are usually full of really, really good tips on being content.
Great scripture. Great perspective. Great thoughts.
But here is the thing; I am already content with being single. In fact, most of the time, I don’t think about having a boyfriend. Unless it is Friday night and I don’t want to watch a movie by myself (sorry, just being real). Honestly, I am content, not only with being single, but also with my life. So where are the posts that give me feedback on how to continue to fully live my life?
The main reason I am not discontent, is because I have the very best friend in the whole world. He is with me every day. Not just Sunday, and every day is date night.
I have someone to talk to about my problems who give fabulous advice. I have someone to whom I can cry about the fact that I just ran out of chocolate. I have the most wonderful person ever in my life – and his name is Jesus.
Now, do not mistake my contentment for a lack of loneliness. That, my friends, still happens. Still happens all the time. I don’t always want to eat by myself. Or cook for one person. Or fix everything by myself. I don’t want to come home to a silent apartment every night, or have no one to tell “have a nice day and I’ll see you tonight!”
And, if we are all honest with ourselves, it doesn’t matter if we are married, single, or dating; we are all prone to loneliness at one time or another.
So, for those compelled to constantly ask me “why” I don’t have a boyfriend, please stop. Now, I don’t mind if you ask if I have one, that’s ok. Because one day I may, and I will want to tell you about him. But when you ask me “why”, like my life is somehow incomplete without one, it’s annoying. And kind of rude.
Jesus and I are having a blast. Awesome things are happening, and HE is answering some seriously amazing prayers! I am enjoying each day to the fullest, and almost always have stories to tell.
I am taking voice lessons. I write songs. Cooking is one of my passions. I love my job. Riding the bus is my entertainment and I adore my friends and family. Also, Jesus is my special Someone. And, those are the things that I want to talk about with you. Those are the things that are happening in my life today. I want to talk about today. Not something that isn't even on the horizon yet. I want to share today with you.
Maybe one day, I will be able to share about my other special someone who the Lord has sent to me, but, I am still going to want to talk about all those other things with you all. My life isn’t going to begin when I get married, it will just be enriched. Because you see, Jesus and I have been doing life together for a long time, and we aren’t going to stop when I date/get married/have kids. It is going to keep going and it is going to be awesome.
So, every night is date in my house.
And even when my day comes to fall in love and life partner with someone, I don’t want to stop having date night with my BEST FRIEND, Jesus. I want it to continue. I want it to be amazing. And I want to have a family that is totally in love with Jesus. It is the safest and most wonderful place to be. Then, we can ALL have date night with Jesus – how cool is that?!?
Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us,
1 John 3:1