Lately, it
seems like I've done a lot of writing about being real. And at the risk of
sounding redundant, I feel like I should preface this by saying "why"
I am writing about this again.
So often, I find
that when the Lord continuously teaches me the same lesson, it is for one of
two reasons.
1) I am not learning what He wants me to or
2) It is really important that this lesson sticks.
Being real -
being transparent - being vulnerable - being honest.
All of these
things are both frightening and liberating.
All of these things are both challenging and
necessary.
I used to
make my decisions regarding transparency based on the fearfulness and the
challenge, not realizing the liberty and necessity of my being real and honest.
If something
was fearful it must be bad, and if something was challenging, then I was being
tested or tempted. I couldn't make a wise decision on my own, or so I thought.
I was always running to other people for "counsel". At least, that is
what I thought I was doing. But really, I was trying to figure out what
decision would please everybody else... I am not saying that everyone does it
like this. I can only speak for myself. This is how I was doing it and why….. Not
proud of it, but like I said, I’m just keeping it real.
2 Timothy 1:7 7 For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Proverbs 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
Think about
these truths for a moment, and ask yourself how they relate to each when it
comes to being real? Then, after being universal (something we all do by the
way), ask yourself how they tie in with YOU being real and honest….. Now, bear
with me, because we are getting down in the muck for the rest of this
Being real,
being transparent - reoccurring themes in my life. Why do they keep coming up?
What am I not learning? Is it really about being real to everyone else.......?
Or is the real lesson to be learned about being transparent with myself....
Phew.....
That's a good question....
So, being the
good question that it was, I asked it to myself. And the answer I got, I wasn't
necessarily fond of it.
This might
surprise some people, it might not surprise others, but, I never felt truly
comfortable in my own skin until about 11 months ago. Not comfortable in my own
skin? Feeling unsure of who I am? Not knowing where I fit in? Yeah.... I had
all of those questions. More questions came up, and I had to answer every
single one of them. I had to answer them because; I had spent much of my
upbringing pushing them out of my head. I had been pushing them out of my head
because I had other questions that were speaking much LOUDER. And
unfortunately, those questions had more to do with my reputation and what
people were going to think of me, than what Jesus was trying to teach me...
Such vain and
selfish thoughts. Now, it was never my intent to be selfish, but I was. My
motivation wasn’t driven solely by vanity, but it was still vain, and I definitely
had vain moments.
I wasn’t going
to be quite this transparent, but in order to elaborate, I will. Selfishness is
caring more about you – AT the expense of others. That means, that when I sat
back and mocked and judged people who didn’t fit the mold or who didn’t follow
all the rules, I was being selfish and vain. How you ask? I was selfish because
fitting in with everyone else at that moment was more important to me than
sticking up for them. I was vain because (I almost can’t say it), I thought I was
better than they were because I followed
the rules and they didn’t…. Of this I
am most ashamed. Most ashamed, because, I treated people that way. I was the
judge and juror when I had no idea what was going on at home. Judge and juror
when I didn’t have the slightest clue about the hurt in their heart…
Moments like
this shame me – but in a healthy, healing way. I never want to do that again. I
have no room to judge, because Someone already occupies that seat. And He is
far more just and benevolent than I am…
The Lord
broke me of the selfishness and vanity, but the “looking to other people for
acceptance” was still there. I was no longer judging (or at least trying not
to), but I was terrified of being judged. Terrified, because, I had been
judgmental, and I knew how harsh people could be, and how lonely that felt…
Then I had to
finally be…. Honest…
I was caring
more about what other people thought than what HE thought. I was focused more
on if other people thought I was godly, then whether He felt loved and adored
by me. I was allowing other people to dictate to me what was right, instead of
seeking it out for me and listening to the Holy Spirit. And this, my friends,
is why I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. This is why I looked in the mirror
and I had to look away because of the insincerity and pain that I saw there. This
is why I looked in the mirror and saw strain and anxiety, instead of peace and
joy.
2 Timothy 1:7 7 For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Proverbs 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
To loop back
to both of those beautiful Scriptures, I will end with this. God gave us
counselors, because in second opinions there is safety. However, God also gave
you freedom, liberty, courage and a sound mind to make decisions. If we are
following Christ, then we are never truly making decisions completely on our
own. The Holy Spirit should be the loudest voice we hear, as it is He who lives
in us.
About a week
ago I started writing a new song (For those of you who don't know, I'll let you
in on a little secret, I LOVE singing from my heart and I LOVE writing music
with my hands....). It isn't finished yet, but when it is, I hope to share it
with you. The main theme of the song is about what we see when we truly look at
ourselves. Do we see pain, hurt, and rejection? Do we see vanity, pride and
arrogance? Or, do we see Jesus? Not because we are so holy and righteous, for
we are not, but because He flows so freely and strongly through us, that He is
all we can see. That is what I want; I want to see Jesus - today, tomorrow and
always...
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