May 18th of this year marked eleven years since my dad passed away. Sometimes I ask myself if it is supposed to hurt this much even though it has been so long. Sometimes I don't think about whether it is right or wrong. I wish I could say I don't even stop to think about it, that I just hurt - however, that isn't usually the case.
Usually the case is this - I don't let myself hurt because I am:
1) surrounded by people and I am kind of a loud crier and my nose might kind of get really red
2) too overwhelmed with life to fully process what I am feeling
3) focused on someone/something else that I view as more important than my private pain
I think a good term for this experience would be emotional novicane. I define emotional novicane like this - when something or someone distracts you from your hurt/pain/sorrow/depression/fear/etc long enough to bury it away, only to have it come back when you least expect it.
It is like when I would go to the dentist to get a cavity filled, and they would numb my mouth for the procedure. The novicane is seriously the coolest stuff on the planet. It felt like my lips were melting off of my face and it felt like they were twice the size they normally were. But after awhile, it wears off almost instantaneously and ALL the pain and discomfort hit you out of nowhere.
That is what happens when I stuff my hurt and my emotions. It feels like my heart is numb, sliding off into oblivion, when really it isn't. It is still there, beating and feeling with the same intensity, I just can't feel it.
That's how I felt on the 18th of May. And honestly, that is how I have felt alot over the past 11 years. I felt I didn't have time or a place to grieve my dad. To grieve the loss that was and that would be.
I just couldn't hurt that day. I felt too vulnerable. I felt outside of myself. Truthfully, I didn't really want to hurt that day. Or the day after. Or the day after. I began to think I had escaped the rush of emotions that tends to follow around this time of year...
On Sunday afternoon it hit me out of nowhere. I was at a friend's graduation party, and saw her joking with her dad. I smiled to myself as I watched the look of pride pass from father to daughter. Then it hit me... I don't ever get to have that again. Period.
I was immediately numb and still. Still not able to fully process what I had been avoiding for almost a month. Too many people in the room and too many festivities that would be diminished by my grief should I choose to express it. Emotional Novicane Inserted.
As always when I am transparent, I fear that people will think I am asking for pity. I'm not, and please don't pity or feel sorry for me. Just keeping being the awesome friends that you are. It is what it is, I cannot change it. But because I can't change it, I have to grieve it, and I have to hurt. Else I won't ever heal. And that is something that I am constantly learning.
So as I drove home last night, I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. No trigger, just a torrent of crocodile tears pouring down my face. You see, I cried because the pain in my heart was far too big to hold in any longer. As I cried, I shouted out to my dad as though he were right beside me, "Why did you leave me?" "Why didn't you take your medicine" "Why didn't you fight harder to stay with me?"
Yet, as I asked those questions, I already knew the answers. He didn't want to leave me. The medicine might not have helped. He did fight to stay - He fought until he could fight no more.
Today I am better than I was yesterday. Although, I still feel my tears pretty close to the surface. This pain is one that will come and go for the rest of my life. That is normal and understandable. I lost my best friend 11 years ago, and that takes a long time to heal. But I cannot continue to heal if I don't allow myself to purge and if I keep giving myself shots of emotional novicane.
I'll paraphrase a Scripture in Ecclesiastes that says, "to everything there is a season.... a time to mourn"
It is good to give yourself that time. Whatever your heartache, pain, worry or sorrow is, HE knows it. HE feels it with you, and HE will carry you through it. It will take time, and the pain may never fully go away. But, you are never alone - even when it feels like it.
When it feels like it, call on a friend. They can't fix it, but you won't be physically alone. And, if you can't think of anyone, send me a message - I am and I will be that friend. No hurting alone if you don't want to:)
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
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