The Love Project 2014: I Wanna Be a Fruit Tree

I was eight when I heard Him for the first time.

It was winter. Snow was everywhere. The sky was bright and lightness filled the room. 

And as I walked into my bedroom, I stopped.

I looked over in the corner at my Bible, and I heard Him say, “read it…”

I did. It was fantastic. It made sense.

He has always made sense. However, for a very long time, religion itself confused me. Gave me anxiety. Anxiety that was so distracting at times, I would be thinking about my “image” instead of fully embracing my love and worship of Jesus.

On Monday, I heard a biblical truth stated so clearly, so plainly, that I am still reeling because I had never understood it so clearly before.

“God is interested in fruitfulness because it blesses others.”

Um….wait….what? The main goal of fruitfulness is to be a blessing?

For most of my life, I thought fruitfulness was the litmus test of your spirituality, as well as the perfect gage for the successfulness of your walk with Christ.

(I am cringing as I type these words)

Growing up, I was very dedicated in doing all of the right things. 

I never missed church. I read my Bible every single day. I volunteered in so many ministries. But, I didn't see results. I didn't experience fruit. Or more specifically, the fruit I thought I was supposed to be seeing.

I thought unless I had 20 people down the aisle at church every Sunday who were getting baptized and joining the church, I was failing as a Christian.

I should probably mention I was 9 when I placed this expectation on my shoulders.

I also struggled with the fact that I had been born a girl and couldn’t be a pastor. Because let’s all be honest, standing behind that pulpit looks super fun.

This perception surrounding spiritual success caused a lot of struggles for me. One summer in particular is burned into my brain.

I was at youth conference. It was awesome. We were doing community outreach. Which was also awesome.

Until it became competitive…And by that, I mean, I  got competitive.

That afternoon, a girl had the opportunity to pray with over 50 kids and see them receive Christ. Which is mind-blowingly cool. However, I felt like the most horrible Christian in the world, because I only prayed with two kids.

It physically hurts my heart to write those words. I feel ashamed that my sense of awe and wonder at the power of Christ was dulled by a false and unhealthy perception of spiritual ‘success’.

What happens in our hearts and in our minds that cause us to only see fruitfulness as something that can be measured, weighed and put on display, instead of something that blossoms and is distributed to others?

Guys, I had the opportunity to talk about Jesus with someone. With a living breathing human being. Not one, but two. And yet, I was bummed out.  Because I didn’t have a grand total I thought would give me status that would then translate into love and acceptance! 

I got it so wrong. For so long.

That day? I stopped counting. I stopped keeping track of numbers. Numbers belong on a spreadsheet, not the kingdom of Heaven.

It was a tough place to be spiritually. And it took me a long time to fully get out of that head space. However, it prompted me to start re-evaluating my view on spiritual success. I was tired. There seemed to be a constant battle to be good enough. And it was exhausting.

Then the Lord took me on an awesome journey. He broke down every perception. He began to show me that the closer I got to Him, the more I looked to Him, the less the affirmation of other people mattered.

I still have my moments of guiltiness. I still have times when I think that I am being a horrible Christian because I am not “doing” enough of the “right” things.

When those moments come, and they will keep coming, I remind myself of a few things:

1. Jesus loves me – completely, utterly, eternally.
2. Jesus is not standing over me with a hammer, ready to fire me from the Christian life if my numbers don’t add up.
3. This life is about sharing the Gospel and the love of Christ – which can happen in so many different ways.

I found Jesus when I was 8 years old, and I love the fact that I am still learning so much. I love that perceptions and spiritual pride are constantly being clipped, shot down and redefined.

He is teaching me that the very behavior I define as "godly", is not counted as such when the spirit and motive behind it is prideful and self-serving.

So tonight, instead of worrying if people think I am in God’s will or if I am being a "good" Christian, I just want to be a fruit tree. 

A big, fatty, honey crisp apple tree with branches so full, the fruit is almost catapulting off the limbs.

I want to bear fruit that brings delight, refreshment, encouragement and life to others, especially to my Jesus. I want the light of Jesus to shine through me in such a way that I am completely unaware of it.

“God is interested in fruitfulness because it blesses others.”

Go be a blessing and be blessed!