My Sweetheart

Hey girls….want to hear a secret? Of course you do, we LOVE secrets! Well, here it is…. I have found the absolute PERFECT guy! Oh I know you think yours is the best, and I hate to break the news to you this way, but…. I found him!

To appease your ever growing curiosity, let me tell you about him, because he is pretty much amazing!

This man is the epitome of a gentleman. Always asking how he can help other people. Always gracious – asking what he can do to make things easier for other people. He is protective and caring. He checks up on me and asks how I am doing and feeling. When times are tough, he is quick to reassure me of his love for me. Did I mention he is absolutely adorable? Oh, and he prays for me, every night. His sense of humor – unbelievable! His taste in music – impeccable! His principles and character – from another time and unmatchable….

Who is my knight in shining armor? Well girls….he’s my grandpa – the sweetest man I have ever known…



How could you NOT fall in love with this face???



I spent several hours yesterday and again today sitting with him in the hospital. And both times that I left, I cried on my way home. Cried, because selfishly, I’m not ready to let him go yet. I’m not ready to stop holding his hand or kissing his cheek. I’m not ready to stop seeing his face light up when I come see him. Or when he sees me and says, “Oh, Elizabeth!” There is nothing like those words from that voice…

Allow me to brag and gush for a few (or ten) paragraphs – because that’s what girls do about their sweethearts, lol

This gem of a man was soo gentle and kind and gracious yesterday with all of his nurses. When they needed to take his blood pressure, his response was, “Do you need me to lift my arm up to help you get it better?” Seriously, could he be any cuter??

When you are admitted to the hospital for anything, they ask you if you want to be kept alive in case of an emergency. So, as he was telling me about that (always trying to protect and prepare us), immediately after he told me about the (do not resuscitate) paperwork, he very quickly said, “But if anything happens to me, you know that I love you, right?” And yes, for once in my life, I am thankful his eyesight isn’t fabulous, otherwise he would have seen the HUGE alligator tears welling up in my eyes.

He tried so hard to stay awake visiting with me, but finally I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and he could just rest – so he did. And he snored, and I thought it was adorable..lol

This morning, he was in fine form – as his sense of humor came out in droves! Let me share the dialogue that took place over my latte.

Grandpa: “They wouldn’t give me any coffee this morning, only water. (insert grumpy face) You don’t drink coffee do you Elizabeth?”

Me: Yes sir I do, every morning

Grandpa:  “Oh! Good for you! That’s the Norwegian in you then.” (insert chuckle)

Haha! What a champ! But, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him that I pay almost $4 for a latte…. He was dismayed, not that I pay that, but that anyone would charge that much for coffee! It was "just terrible!" LolJ

Here is another conversation that had me in stitches. Mostly because of his facial expressions (they are priceless). In order to get the full affect, you would really have to know him, but, I will do my best to relay it how it happened.

Uncle Kelvin: “You know Dad, the doctor is really impressed that you are 95”

Grandpa: “Oh really? Why’s that?”

Uncle Kelvin: “Because most men from your generation didn’t live past 45 years old”

Grandpa(with a look of disdain): “Ah, pfft, I don’t believe in that stuff”

Uncle Geof: (as we are all cracking up) “And that Dad, is why you are 95”

Grandpa: “hahaha, I suppose you’re right!”

The sweet tender moments I have shared with this man over the years are precious and so dear to my heart. When he holds my hand as I lay my head on his shoulder, it is comforting and I feel at home. We can sit there in comfortable silence, just enjoying each other’s company. The nice thing is, it’s always been that way. Today, one of those sweet moments happened, and I want to engrave it on my heart so that it never ever goes away.

Me: (lays my head on Grandpa’s shoulder)

Grandpa: (leans over and whispers) “You know I love you don’t you Elizabeth?”

Me: “Oh Grandpa, of course I do…”

Grandpa: “Good, because I do love you. I’ve loved you since the day you were born. And I pray for you every night.”

Me: (kisses that beautiful weathered cheek) “I love you too Grandpa…”

I have always told my grandpa that when I find a guy as sweet as him, I will snatch him up and marry him, lol. But until then, eat your hearts out ladies, because I have the finest catch in town – and there’s nothing you can do about it! He’s all mine – forever and always – my hero, my inspiration, my sweetheart!

Grandpa, you stole my heart the day you taught me how to dance. And I don’t ever want it back, because it is always yours….

I’m Me, and That’s Ok - Finally...

So I have a question? Am I the only one who not only goes to bed with a million thoughts in her brain, but also wakes up with them? Sometimes my brain feels like an overcrowded pinball machine – ideas and thoughts being ricocheted all over the place, but never going anywhere….

But every once in awhile, one of the ideas goes into the goal, and I score a point. Not a numerical point, but, a life point. A gold star. A reminder that no matter the obstacles that stand in my way, (be it emotional/physical/spiritual/mental), breakthrough IS possible.

By nature, I am an avid learner. I crave understanding and knowledge. Maybe it’s slightly an OCD thing, or maybe it is just who I am. I read everything that comes through my hands – wrappers included.

Why? Um, I don’t know…. But after years of overanalyzing myself about it, I have come to the conclusion that it is just the way I am, and I’m ok with that. Doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to be, it just means that I am. I am ok with, and even embrace this part of myself.

Because it is important for me to understand and know why, I tend to do A LOT of self reflecting. In my mind, if I understand what happened, I can repeat it if it was a positive experience, or I can do it differently if it was not a positive experience. Couple this part of my personality with the “I refuse to give up because I hate losing” side of myself, and you better watch out – it could get very deep, psychological and competitive, lol.

What could I possibly be reflecting on these days? Well, to be honest, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on….me…

Now, before you try to figure out where I am going with this, hang tight. I will do my very best to explain, clearly and openly. When I say I have been reflecting on myself, that in and of itself is nothing new. In fact, I think we all reflect on ourselves on a daily basis. The difference for me was in HOW I was reflecting, and in HOW I was thinking about and even talking to myself.

So, here goes nothing….

“Just love yourself…”

I have heard this phrase a lot – and to be honest, it has received a lot of flack in our Christian circles. Understandably so – at least to a certain degree – because, it seems to be in direct contradiction with the command that we need to “die to self” in order for Christ to be able to “work in us and through us.”

However, although I have heard multiple times that I shouldn’t “love” myself; I have yet to hear how I am supposed to feel about myself. The opposite of love is hate, and I am fairly certain the Lord doesn’t want me to hate myself. So where is the balance? What is the fine line? Is there one?

I haven’t found a scripture yet where God tells me not to love myself… (If there is one, please tell me…) What I have found is God’s telling us how we are to feel about ourselves. He tells us over and over again in His word. I am His workmanship – a workmanship that He said was good. I am wonderful – because He says I am. I am beloved – because He says I am. I am worth it – because He says I am. I don’t love/like myself because I am so awesome or amazing, but because I love what God has created, and I love the plan that He had for me when He allowed me to be born. And since I am part of that creation, I shouldn’t hate or loath what He creates – even when that creation is me.  

I love music because He gave me a song. I love people because He loves them through me. I have more words in my head at one time than any human being should probably have in their entire lifetime, but….He designed that – to be used for His purpose. So why am I not embracing who He created me to be?

Circumstances surrounding my childhood heightened a lot of anxiety producing, self protective qualities in me. I was awkward, because I was scared. I toed the line, because it was safe. I did what I was told, and I did what was expected – because it gave me structure and I knew what to expect from it. The thing is – I needed that structure and consistency, or at least I told myself I did. I had to have that AND the Lord in order to make it.

But, as I grew in my relationship with Christ, those self protective tendencies started to stone wall the growth the Lord was working through me. You see, the more liberty and freedom you have in Christ, the less you need to fortress yourself in a castle built of protectiveness and angst. The more you release your fears to Him, the less you need to worry about structure keeping you safe. I got so caught up “fitting the mold”, that I lost sight of being moldable clay in the Potter’s hands. I thought if I held on tight enough, planned everything enough, marked off that checklist of do’s and don’ts, then I would be prepared for tragedy and pain – or at least be better equipped for it…

“Hitting rock bottom”

This is a term typically used to describe when people have messed up their lives so much, they have nowhere else to go but back up. For me, I had to hit rock bottom emotionally. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone would have been able to tell unless they were really close to me. But inside, the Holy Spirit was churning and stirring up everything I had tried so hard to compartmentalize for years. You see, I thought I had developed into the person I was supposed to be, and that person/image was safe/appropriate/predictable/right…. Yet, who’s definition was I using? On what scale was I grading myself? Oh right….mine

“Letting Go – Being Free”

So, I let go. Not without fear, not without tears and not without pain. Because, as I let go of who I thought I was supposed to be, I was left to wonder who I really and truly was…

Now here is where it gets awesome… when I let go of who I “thought” I was supposed to be, an incredible thing happened. I slowly and freely started to become who HE created me to be. It was a gradual process, one that is still taking place, and one that will always be taking place. It will always be taking place, because He is NEVER finished with me!

You know what though? I am totally ready for that, and my sense of adventure is raring to go!

I woke up this morning, completely content and comfortable with who I am as a person. Two years ago… I couldn’t say that about myself. Shoot, 6 months ago it might even have been difficult. What changed you ask? Well, I realized, I am not enslaved anymore. I am not enslaved by the perceptions and expectations of man. I am free. I have hope and peace and joy! I have all of this because of what ONE person did for me! Is everything going to go perfect? Of course it isn’t, you know that… but I am NOT alone. I am never forsaken. I am never left behind. And my destiny is in the hands of Christ – a destiny that I am totally and completely stoked about living!

So, do I love myself? Yeah, I do… But like I said, I love what God loves, and HE loves me. So on those days when Debbie Downer whispers crap in my ear, HE is the one reminding me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” HE is the one reminding me that all of my quirks and oddities are there for a purpose. And, if I am willing, HE wants to show me that purpose. And you know what? HE does show me – He shows me every single day. And it is awesome!

What don’t you like about yourself? Why don’t you like it? Is it because other people judge it, or is it something over which the Spirit convicts you? My self-adjustments aren’t made for other people anymore. Believe me, I self adjust, ALL the time, lol. I have to do this because I am not a perfect person, and no matter how comfortable I am with myself, I am still going to make mistakes. But I don’t make changes anymore because I have been made to feel guilty or ashamed. I don’t make changes because I fear being rejected if I don’t comply.  It is because the Holy Spirit gently shows me why I need to change or why I need to grow. It is because I love HIM. It is because I want to be in one accord with my BEST FRIEND. HE is my final authority, and the ONLY one before whom I will stand. When I am ok with HIM, I am ok – period. No one else should be the determining factor. Think about it? HE wants to do EPIC things with your life --- let Him!

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Through My Soul Clearly

Purge, cleanse, funnel – till, irrigate, fertilize – share, spread, give – tend, love, hold, cherish

There is no “pinnacle of success.” There is no “finally making it.” There is no “coming out on top.” There just isn’t. We can always think of something else that we want. Some other mountain that we want to climb. Some other goal that we want to accomplish. It is a never ending and vicious cycle.

Wow, am I depressing or what? If I ended on that note, then yes, I would be depressing. I would be self condemning and self sabotaging. However, the purpose of those direct statements ties in with my story. Those statements do not necessarily represent how I view the world around me, or how I go about making my. Then what do they represent? Stick around --- and I’ll tell you. That is, if you want to hear…

First off, I am not here to rain on anybody’s parade. Nor am I here to tell people how they should or shouldn’t be. I am just here to share my story. My story that is continually being written. My song that I want forever to be sung.

Now, in order for the words in the beginning to make sense, a little background is in order.  We all have baggage. We all have dirty laundry. But we ALL can unpack, put away, wash, dry and iron every once in awhile. However, my blog is not a vent fest, but an expression. An expression of how much I love Jesus and how much I love what He is continually showing me!

Purge --- Cleanse --- Funnel

Far too often we take in what everyone else says, does, dictates and demands. But, we don’t stop to hear what He has to say first. And even if we stop and try to listen to Him, our heads and hearts are still too full of all the other things we have heard. Advice is great. Feedback is wonderful. I have many godly people in my life who are sounding boards for me when I need it. That is biblical. (Proverbs 11:14) What became a problem and what was a hindrance for me, was that I was using other people’s opinions of me to gage whether or not I was “doing a good job.” Yeah, that had to stop… Because what if they mess up? Or forget messing up, what if they die or move away or we have a falling out? The bedrock of my decision making will crumble beneath my feet, and I will be in the stones and rubble of my shattered fortress. So let’s purge – out with people’s opinions being the “determining” factor. Notice I did not say “out with people’s opinion’s”. I said “determining” factor. The Lord sends people to us to give us wisdom and understanding and feedback. But to follow blindly? To not be able to give answer for why you do what you do? Damaging. Not only to you, but also to your relationship with Jesus. Damaging, because it completely cuts Him out.  I had to clean out my way of thinking, funnel the negative out, while keeping the good. Because there was good.

Till --- Irrigate ---Fertilize

When weeds have been pulled, or the season has ended, you must till the soil. Turn it over and help regenerate healthy soil in order to give new life next year. That’s what I had to do. I needed to be refreshed. I needed to be revived, and I needed a new song in my heart. Worship is one of the most healing things the Lord has revealed to me. To sit and worship – to sing to Him, for Him, for all that He has given me. It is the most precious time I have with Him. This part is hard for me to write, because for me, song is so personal, and I am a little selfish of this time with him. But the truth is,  Jesus wants it… desperately. And He wants it from all of us. Now maybe song isn’t your expression of worship. That’s ok, but He still wants worship… and He wants it from you.

And I want to give that to Him. “Lord, I want to sing to You always – with joy and abandon – with spirit and soul – with fervency and faith. Thank you for giving me something to sing about each and every day.”

Share --- Spread --- Give

So, I have purged old ways. Or, I am still working on purging old ways. Out with the old and in with the new song. Replacing unhealthy behaviors with cleansing and life giving ones. Now what? Well, here is where all of those “Debbie Downer” comments come into play. Part of the purging process was changing and renewing my perspective. For clarifying why I make the decisions I do, and also how I am going to make them in the future. I am all for goals, but I am more for God – at least I want to be. Success is not sin – but my Saviour should always get the glory. I kind of told myself that once I get to Heaven, I will have arrived. Honestly, I cringe even typing that… It hurts me to write it… because if that is what I think it’s all about then I am way off base. I don’t think that anymore, I had a revelation. When we get to Heaven, we will be perfect – yes. But, I don’t think that we are even going to think about that fact. We are just going to be with Jesus and it is going to be awesome. The baggage from this world isn’t going with us! It is staying behind and we will be with Him! Wow…. I cannot even comprehend how amazing it is going to be, but I believe it. That is what I want to share. I don’t want it to be about how well I “fit” the expected model. I don’t want it to be about how we are turning out products that are all the same. (Psalms 139:14) I want to share this awesomeness which is being saved. I want people to see the JOY of Christ in me, not fear and condemnation.

Tend --- Love --- Hold --- Cherish

And we are coming to the end. Thanks for sticking with me. I know, sometimes accept, and always acknowledge that I am incredibly wordy. It is who I am. I try to balance it, but don’t always succeed. I went to a church retreat last weekend, and the question was posed to all of us, “Why is it important to make decisions based on love rather than fear?” This ties in so perfectly with how I began this journey of seeing myself and my life in Christ more clearly. During my devotions that morning, I wrote the answer to this question in my journal.

“A lot of my choices were made by fear. Not really fear of God though, but fear of what other people thought and what I heard God was going to “do” to me. And then when people asked why I did things and why I made decisions, I couldn’t give them an answer. But, when I started making choices driven and motivated by love, the answers came with joy and ease. I read the Word because I love Him. I worship because I love Him. People catch and live LOVE better and more productively that people who walk and live in fear.”

So, where I once looked through a darkened window, I now see through my own soul clearly. Not because I have reached a point of enlightenment, or because I have finally “seen the light”, but because He is in me. He is molding me. He is cherishing and tending the soil of my heart and the garden that is my life. He is shining brightly, and if people see light, it is Him. Submitting to His will, plan and purpose for me has completely changed my life. I am motivated by love. I am challenged by it, and am in awe of it. And that is why, I choose life. I choose growth. I choose not giving up until you find the truth.  I choose this life. This life in Christ. Because, that’s what it is really all about --- Jesus.

Deuteronomy 30:19

I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:

High Five for Friday

So for the past couple of months, I have been following a fun, quirky, educational (yes, shoes are educationalJ) blog. And every Friday, people link up and share five things about their week. It’s called “High Five for Friday” and it is promoted by Lauren at FromMyGreyDesk And, I have finally decided to give it a try. Not that my life is all that exciting, but I thought of a couple things this week I felt like sharingJ

Deep breath….. Okay, here goes nothing….lol

I am glad that Mondays only come once a week – and I am glad that coffee makes them more bearable

Salted caramel ice cream is the true love of my life, next to Jesus, of courseJ

  

Why Worry? by NewSong

“Why Worry?” by NewSong is an awesome song when you are feeling a wee bit down:)

Organization makes me a happy person – I know, I’m a tad strange (explanation: I got super organized at work (which makes me happy), and other people are appreciating it (which equals more happiness, haha)

My brother – I am pretty proud of him this week – enough saidJ

So there is my High Five for Friday! I honestly could have listed more than five things, but those could come in a later post. Most important thing I was reminded of this week, is how wonderful and amazing it is to have Jesus…. Always and forever

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.”

Forever Yours

Today let’s be real. Let’s be genuine. Let’s not give coached responses or expected answers. Let’s just talk about Jesus. It’s something that we don’t do enough of in all honesty.

Today I am not going to be funny. I am not going to be witty with a clever poem. I am not even going to try to be inspiring. I am just going to be real.

For a long time I tried to fit into this box that I thought other people wanted me to fit into. I told myself that I should be able to fit into that box and that if I couldn’t or struggled with it, something was wrong with my spirit.

But one day, Jesus reminded me that when I get saved, I’m not supposed to fit into anything.

Now, before some people tune out right here, please, please let me finish.

I am not supposed to fit into any box, because when I get saved, the Holy Spirit fills ME! There is no box. There is the temple of the Holy Spirit known as my body, and that is the only thing that should be filled. And when that is filled and I am yielded to Him, everything changes!

So here I was, trying to force myself into something, when in reality, the Holy Spirit was trying to remind me I was already filled. I am filled by Him. I am led by Him. I am guided and taught by Him.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Below is my love story…

It is perfect…. It is forever…. And it is still be written…

Thank you Jesus…. For always being mine…. I love You

Forever Yours

You know, we’ve been together a long time.

I got to thinking about it the other day, and we have been together for almost 14 years now.

It will be 14 exactly on September 21^st.

I still vividly remember the day that You made me Yours.

My tears were flowing so freely that day.

They were happy tears though. Tears of relief because of the weight that was taken off of my shoulders.

I knew that I wouldn’t have to be alone ever again.

When people ask where we exchanged our vows, I always chuckle when I tell them, “By the bathroom!”

But it’s like You tell me all the time, “It doesn’t matter where, it just matters the commitment”

Most have some sort of honeymoon stage where everything is on fire because it is so new.

But it really wasn’t that way with me.

I mean, I was seeing things differently, but it took longer for me to warm up to You, I think.

I mean, you know I was a very dutiful companion to You, but that’s just it… I was dutiful. Not necessarily devoted.

But when I needed You most, You were right there.

I have to admit that at the time I was pretty upset with You for not fixing it.

You let me be upset though, and then when I was ready to listen, You very gently explained to me that You knew best. And you even let me see how it all came together.

I know You don’t usually do that, but thanks for doing it for me.

I think it was then I knew how deeply I loved You.

I always knew that You were everything to me, but for the first time, I was truly able to call You my best friend.

And not because You weren’t that before, but because I was finally able to “see” it.

From then on, it has been a continually love fest!

I love how we talk in the car when it’s just us.

Or how I run my day by You and You never get annoyed that I ramble or rabbit trail.

You know I’ll always get to the point.

I love how when I do need to be set straight, you do it with a hug and not a hammer…

That helps me the most I think. Because, You know me, and You know that I am very tenderhearted and responsive when it comes to You.

It is because of Your patience and devotion, I want to show You every single day how much I love You.

I know that some days I am far from perfect, but what I love more than anything is how available You are to me. To help me, and to love me.

When You committed Yourself to me, You did it completely. Just as I strive to do with You.

Now I know that sometimes people go back on their promises. And I in no way think that I am above anyone else, or that I am even the exception to the rule.

But the thing is I want to be the exception. I want to be the one who never leaves Your side, who never turns against You, and who runs to You and You alone when I have nowhere else to turn.

You are my everything. In You I have found eternal love, unbelievable mercy, and never ending joy.

You gave abundantly, so that I could have everything.

You are my comforter, protector, guardian and friend.

You are my Jesus, and I am completely and eternally,

Forever yours….

Ten Years and a Little Black Dress

A lot can happen in ten years, especially while wearing a little black dressJ I mean, let’s be honest, what girl doesn’t feel like she can take on the world in her LBD? It can make you feel confident, beautiful, ready to take on the world.

Still, I can’t say that was my little black dress experience. No, mine was entirely different, but I wouldn’t change it, because, this black number reminded me about love. And who would want to miss out on that?

Ten years ago, May 18, 2002, my life changed drastically. Never to be the same.

Ten years ago, I lost my hero. My rock. My best friend.

Ten years ago, my dad went home to be with Jesus – and my world was shaken. I went home from the hospital,  the night he died, completely lost, not knowing what in the world I was supposed to do next. Feeling more alone than I ever had in my life, not knowing if I would ever feel normal again.  

So, for the sake of being transparent and real, I will tell you what I did that night.

My grandma drove us home from the hospital, and I sat in the back seat while my brother bawled in the front. I wish I could have cried so freely, but I couldn’t. What I wanted to do was shut my brain off entirely, but that wasn’t happening. We got home, and my mom got there shortly after we did. I sat down on the couch, and, well, I turned on the television. Maybe I should be ashamed of that, or maybe I shouldn’t. Ten years later, I really don’t think that it matters either way. I turned on the tv, with a blanket, and curled up in the spot where my dad had sat just the night before.

Looking back, I think I just wanted to be close to him, and that was the best I could do at the time. Adding the television was just a way of keeping me from thinking too much. I stayed on the couch for awhile, watching some makeover show about this couple celebrating their 35^th wedding anniversary. How I remember this, I have no idea. I do remember getting really ticked off at this point, because I knew my parents would NEVER have that, so I got mad and turned it off.

The next morning we went to church as usual. And the love that we were shown that day… It was almost unbelievable. But at the same time it wasn’t. Growing up in the same church has its advantages, one of them being, length of tenure gives room to a lot of love from cultivated relationships. Although I only remember snippets of that day, I can never forget the love shown to us….never

Later on that week we had my dad’s service. It was….inspiring. Because my dad was a Seattle Police Officer, there were quite a few service men and women at his funeral. But here is the awesome part – most of them were there because they knew and respected my dad. That was such an honor to him and his reputation as a man and an officer. I couldn’t have been prouder. Six hundred people packed out the auditorium that day. Twenty five of them accepting Christ, and countless more encouraged by the testimonies given about my father. How I stood in front of that many people I will never know. I was 14 years old, and I stood in front of 600+ people like it was nothing. I didn’t even cry….

Some people might refer to it as having composure, but probably, I was still in shock and just going through the motions. I don’t remember most of what I said, but the one thing that I do remember is this. As I was trying to wrap up my tribute to my dad, I mentioned that I didn’t want people to forget him. That was and is still a fear of mine. That people will forget what an amazing man he was. That they will forget how he touched their lives. I could never forget, and I didn’t want other people to forget either. And you know what? Ten years later, people still tell me how much they loved my dad… Check it out Dad, you’re famousJ

Time continued as it does and will, and I grew up, or tried to at least. I tried to be strong, to fill his shoes, to step up to the plate. But, I never felt like I did it justice, I couldn’t ever seem to do it right. I now know that it wasn’t my role to fill. That I wasn’t him, nor should I have expected myself to try and be him. Yet, I somehow thought it was my responsibility to emotionally take care of my family. To fill in the gaps that he left behind.

Grief does crazy things to a person. For me, my grief put responsibilities on my shoulders that didn’t need to be there. Did I need to grow up? Sure I did. But I needed to grow up as a teenage girl, not grow up trying to fill the shoes of a grown man who had been a husband and father. However, I believe the Lord uses everything for good and to His glory. And my expectations of myself are no different. The Lord took this crazy drive inside me and used it for good.

In high school, I hit the ground running, and in all honestly, haven’t stopped since.

I was involved in everything: Nursery, bus route, teen choir, 4-5 yr old junior church, playing piano for church service/sunshine church/junior church. Did I mention that I also worked at the school, cleaned houses and babysat, all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA? Yes world, I was Wonder Woman. Haha, just kidding….. I was straight up crazy is what I wasJ

But it was through all of these experiences that I have become the woman that I am today. It was through one of these particular experiences, I was reminded about love and thoughtfulness in a most unexpected way.

One of the sweetest elderly couples in our church had been running the children’s church hour for years, and when she broke her arm, her husband asked if I would step in and be the pianist. Of course I said yes! I hadn’t learned to say no yet, haha, and I am glad that in this instance, I said yes.

So began my junior church piano careerJ Should I really have been nervous in front of 10 year olds? Probably not, but sure enough, I was. Once I got the hang of it though, it was a lot of fun. One Sunday evening, after a long day of ministry, this man approached me and handed me $20. Puzzled, I looked at him, waiting for an explanation. He then said something I will never forget. He said, “There is a store in town where you can get a nice dress for around $20. Whenever my granddaughter is in town, I take her there, and I buy her a new dress. I want to give you this so you can go buy yourself a new dress too.”

I stood there, not really knowing what to say. I was moved beyond words. This was a thoughtful and generous gift. This was something unexpected and lovely. Tears came to my eyes as I thanked him. I went home, feeling very loved and very humbled. You see, the last person to buy me a new dress had been my dad. This man didn’t know that, but Jesus did. And just that was enough to keep my tears coming for awhile.

So here is where I tie it all together.

Today, I am going to wake up, walk into my closet and put on my little black dress. Yes, the little black dress that Mr. Pennington bought me, I am going to wear it. I am going to wear it and pray for him. I am going to wear it and think about my dad. I am going to wear it and go to work with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

For the tenth year in a row, I am waking up without my dad. And one day, I am going to wake up knowing I’m not going to see my friend at church anymore. One day, I will take my beautiful dress to a thrift store because it no longer fits or is out of style or is worn.  But, even though people and things pass away, I will always have these precious memories. I will always have the memory of my dad –  teaching me about baseball, and life, and Dick’s Drive In. (Praise the Lord). I will always have the memory of his laugh, wishing all the time that I could just hear it once more. The memory of my time playing piano in junior church will always be there. The feeling of buying that brand new dress will never leave me. The smile on my friend’s face will always be imprinted in my mind and on my heart.

A lot can happen in ten years, especially in a little black dress. A lot can happen, a lot can change. But let me tell you folks, Jesus never changes. Jesus is always the same. Jesus will never leave me. Jesus will never forsake me. And He is always there, reminding me of how big and great HE is. Yet, in all that greatness, He still finds the time to remind me of how precious I am to Him.

And He reminds me of that fact every time someone talks about my dad, and every time I put on that little black dress.

To the Third

MS₃

October 2007

I was sitting in an airport, talking on the phone, when suddenly I started slurring my words. Strange thing was, I could feel it coming on, and could stop talking soon enough so that the person I was talking to didn’t seem to notice. I thought it was odd, but chalked it up to jetlag and being exhausted from midterms. Over the course of the next week, it continued. My friends thought I was talking funny on purpose, but I started to get a little worried when it didn’t go away. Then the hand problems started. I couldn’t grip my pen while I was taking notes in class. I couldn’t play my scales during my piano lessons. The slurring was getting more and more frequent, and I was also becoming more unsteady on my feet. Something wasn’t right, and in the pit of my stomach, I knew what it was…

November 2007

I had called my mom after about a week of symptoms. She was a little worried, and suggested I go see a neurologist. I made an appointment with a local doctor for later that week. Looking back, I really should have taken someone with me to that appointment, but the thought didn’t even occur to me. I had done so many other things on my own, that it seemed entirely natural to go alone. That is one thing that is different today, I won’t go alone again. And another thing – I could have asked several different people to go with me that day, but I just didn’t ask. I now know that I can, and that is an amazing feeling…

When I got to the doctor’s office and sat down with the neurologist, I explained to him all the symptoms that I was having. He got very serious and said to me that we needed to rule out two things right away. Lupus and multiple sclerosis. When he said that, I tried to school my features and be brave, but all I really wanted to do was run out of that office and never come back. I called my mom, and we scheduled my trip home. I had to come home for all my doctor appointments, and would have to miss about two weeks of classes. To say I was annoyed would be an understatement.

After getting off the phone with my mom, I went back to the dorms. I found my room empty – I was relieved. The first thing I did was grab my Bible and kneel down in a ball on the floor. I began to weep. I was really scared. I said, “Lord, I don’t understand completely what’s going on right now, but could you please give me a promise from You that everything is going to be ok?”

Now, I know that the Bible is filled with promises. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart..”
“All things work together for good..” “Take everything to God in prayer…” I could go on and on. And the thing is, these are all wonderful and amazing promises. But, I wanted one that was personal. One that would remind me everytime I heard it, that God had my back, regardless of the outcome. I opened my Bible, and the first page that it landed on was Psalm 18. I began to read, and when I read verse 19, I wept. I wept with fear, relief, heartache, and a myriad of other emotions. This is the promise that the Lord gave me…

“He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me.”


I knew in that moment, no matter the outcome, everything was going to be alright. Now, I didn’t say everything was going to be perfect, but it was going to be alright. If my diagnosis was going to be one of the two that the doctor mention,ed then I knew it wasn’t because Jesus was angry with me, it was because He delighted in me.

Now, I am not a martyr and I want to make that clear early on in my story. There are days when my spirit is discouraged, and I get very frustrated with the path that I am on; but I NEVER doubt His love for me through all of this. This verse is my constant reminder of His incredible love.


December 2007-February 2008


Back to Seattle I went, constantly back and forth to the doctor and home. Doctor and home. Doctor and home. When I wasn’t getting tested, I was studying for the tests that I was missing. Those few weeks at home are still a bit of a blur. But at the end of those two weeks, I went back to college without any answers, just in time for finals. Which, on a side note, I think I made straight As on all of them that semester. A fact, of which, I am EXTREMELY proud, lol. After finals I came home for winter break. I spent a lot of time resting, and planning the next semester, and trying not to worry about my diagnosis.


On the morning of January 4^th, I went back to my neurologist, sat in his office, and listened to him tell me that I had the beginning stages of multiple sclerosis. He told me about treatments. He told me that it’s different for everyone. He told me that I could go my entire life without another flare up. He also told me that some people have MS and cancer at the same time, and that they say the MS is worse than the cancer… Gee, thank you soo much. I am 20 years old, just got this diagnosis, and this is the information you choose to share with me. I want to punch you….


Before leaving his office, I gathered information about treatment options, made a follow up for a couple days out, and left. My mom and I walked down the hall, got in the elevator, got down to the parking garage, got in the car, and my mom broke down. I just sat there. Numb. Wanting to run away. Wanting to curl up in a ball and not come out for awhile. But, that is not me. That is not how I typically handle things. Looking back, maybe I should have gone a little crazy. Maybe I should have had a meltdown. But I didn’t. I went home with my mom, looked her in the eye and said, “Well, I know that God has a plan and I want to go back to college for this upcoming semester.” Now, I didn’t say it exactly like that, because, like I said, the afternoon is a bit blurry. But I did decide to not sit out a semester. To go back as planned. I am a fighter, I hate losing. And, the truth was, I had lost alot things in my life, and I wasn’t quite ready to let go of anything else.


I got back to college that semester, and honestly, it was really hard. I was tired ALL the time. I felt like I had the flu. I couldn’t remember squat. Because, apparently, that is another symptom of MS, cognitive capabilities going out the window. And for a girl with a 4.0 GPA, not remembering what you study, stinks, big time. When I flunked a midterm, I bawled. I bawled because I had been too exhausted to study for it. I bawled, because even though I had studied through my exhaustion, I couldn’t remember a stinking thing that I had studied. My pride took a serious beating that semester. But maybe, that was the point. Maybe my focus had gotten a little out of proportion. This thought stuck with me, and during a chapel message about a week later, I was inspired.


I decided that I wanted the letters “MS” to mean something different to me. I didn’t want to think of my disease every single time I saw those letters. I wanted to be encouraged. I wanted the Lord to give me something that I could pair with my verse. But I was stumped. I couldn’t just think of two words. So Jesus gave me a phrase. He gave me a mantra. He gave me hope…


MS might mean multiple sclerosis to some people, but this is what it means to me…

My Saviour, Meets Sufficiently, My Struggles

That morning in chapel, I changed my perspective. Everytime I thought that I couldn’t push through the fatigue or discomfort, I would remind myself of this fact. That no matter what happens; HE is always there and always meets my needs. Maybe not my wants, but my needs….always.


Fast Forward →March 2012


Let me jump ahead quite a bit. Otherwise, we will be here for awhile, and I have already taken probably a lot of your time. That is, if you are still reading thisJ

To give a rundown of the time we are jetting past – I graduated college, without missing a semester (3.46GPA, just to brag for a minute). I moved back to Seattle, working 3 part time jobs until the Lord provided 1 full time job. I moved in with some friends, learning more about life and myself than you could from a paid therapistJ


But amidst all of that, I still felt pretty awful, 80% of the time. And to be honest, I was starting to get a little mentally and emotionally weary. I was 24 years old! I wanted to do things! I wanted to go places! I didn’t want to come home from work, crawl in bed for two hours, and THEN try to make dinner for myself. Yes, I was that tired, all the time. I didn’t like missing church because of how I felt. Especially when looking at me – nothing seemed to be wrong with me. I was getting a little discouraged. I still knew that God had a plan, and had seen some fruit from it, but nonetheless, I was tired, and once again, I needed some holy hope from my Dad.


The two things that I was most afraid of losing to MS were my music and my words. I love music and writing with a passion. And when the slurring and hand weakness were there in the beginning (they have since gone away), I was very much afraid of losing those two things. So the Lord, challenged me with that fear. It was almost as if He said, “Use it while you have it Elizabeth. I gave it to you, don’t waste it.” It took me awhile to get there, but I am getting better at stepping out there with these two loves of mine. I sing to myself mostly, but when I get a chance to sing for other people, I am getting braver at taking that opportunity. Probably one of the biggest steps I took was starting this blog. I had been writing for myself for years, but hadn’t been sharing it with anyone. And the Lord would not let up with me about sharing it. He knew that it would be healing for me. And it has been.


So, amidst all the fatigue and weariness, I was trying to still make the most of the energy that I had by going after my writing and music. And then He gave me hope.


A few years earlier, a doctor mentioned that some people with MS or other autoimmune diseases, cut wheat and gluten out of their diet and experience unbelievable results. At the time, I didn’t have the money or the energy to think about making a change like that. But fast forward to present day (aka – full time job$$) and the prodding of a friend, I started doing some research. After what I read, I cut out gluten. I mean I went cold turkey off wheat. And, oh my word…. For the first time in 4 years, I had energy. I was practically bouncing off the walls. I didn’t have to sit down 20 times a day at work. I was running all over the place, getting more done in a day than I used to get done in a week.


The Lord had given me a huge blessing, and I wept with gratitude and appreciation.


But, then I got a little cocky, and this is where the story is winding down. Because I was feeling soo much better, I got lazy with my shots. Oh yeah, did I mention that my treatment option was daily injections? Yeah, not the most pleasant experience in the world, and I have site reactions which makes it even more annoying. Anyway, I got lazy and started skipping shots. And….I had a flare up. Thankfully it only lasted about a week, but it scared me, and I went to my doctor for a much needed check up.


It was there that the Lord gave me two MORE blessings. 1) there was now medicine in pill form, and I could possibly get off my shots. 2) the MS center at my hospital has an annual art show for people with MS or people affected by MS to enter anything of their choosing. (photography, painting, craft, etc…)

Now, I realized the blessing of the new medication right away, but the art show blessing was a longer time coming. You see, I hand make cards for people all the time, but never really worked with a canvas bigger than 4” x 6”. Until recently anyway… I had written a couple poems for friends, matted, decorated and framed them as gifts. And they turned out quite lovely in my opinionJ So when I took a closer look at the art show flyer, I started thinking. I had been wanting to share my MS phrase for awhile, but wasn’t really sure how to go about it. This art show gave me a chance to push myself and to take charge of this thing in my life.

                                                  This is what I designed and created.

This is how I view my disease. Not as something that defines me, but rather, I define it. No... God defines it. This disease doesn’t control my life. Jesus controls my life. He guides, He directs, He lets be what will be. Something ugly was sent into my life, but Jesus has made it beautiful. Jesus has taught me to live each day to the fullest. To never take for granted the smallest of blessings. To appreciate everything around me for the wonder and miracle that it is. To realize that people are more important than things, and that the whispering of the Holy Spirit should speak louder to me than the demands of the day.


I may have MS, and it may still be hard for me to say that out loud to people, but if I have to say it, this is what I want people to see. I want people to see Jesus. I want people to see that I love HIM with my whole self, and that if this is what HE needs to give me so that I can be what I need to be for Him, then so be it. To say I am not still frightened at times would be a lie. To say that if my disease progresses, I won’t weep, would be false. I am afraid sometimes. I still get discouraged and sometimes angry. But here is the thing, for all the discouraging moments I have had with this disease, I have had equally encouraging moments. I have had more blessings and personal growth in the last four years than some people gets in a lifetime. I constantly ask the Lord to stay the progression, because there is so much I want to do. But in the same breath, I know that while I see the current angle, He sees the panoramic view.


So as my friends and family – please join me in prayer. That my life will reflect Christ. That this disease will be used to glorify Him. And that I will not waste one moment that He gives me.


My savior has been sufficiently meeting my struggles for the last twenty four years of my life, and I have no doubts that He will continue to do so in the years to come…


My Jesus, thank you for being my very best friend and for always giving me something about which to sing and write… I love you….