They Come In 3's

I was at work today. And all day I was wishing that I wasn't at work. Why you ask? Um, because it is Friday. Because tomorrow I get to sleep in. Because I have an avocado waiting for me at home. Really, don't ask such ridiculous questions.

My Grandma Betty always used to say that things happened in 3's - both good and bad. In a lot of respects, she was correct in her outlook on life. Because, let's face it, it is either 'third time's the charm' or 'three strike's you're out.' Not with everything, obviously, but it does make some sense that because we have a trinitarian God, groups of threes are not uncommon (repeating number sequences in the Bible are especially fascinating to me, btw).

Back to things happening in threes. Typically, I am so quick to count the first two strikes, and hold my breath for the third. Yet, I very rarely count my blessings with the same anticipation. 

However, today I did. Today I had three blessings. If I were to analyze my day, then I probably had more than three. But three in particular stood out to me. Yes, I am going to tell you about them. And yes, they are awesome! I am not going to dwell long on the first two, not because they are unimportant, but because the third one was so awesome! And I cannot wait to tell you about it!

Blessing #1 - I drank a fabulous green juice today. Do not judge me or think this blessing is stupid, lol. I had money to buy it, a car to go pick it up and the knowledge that it can help me. Therefore it is a blessing! Also, I feel stinking AMAZING after I drank it, so that is also lumped in with the whole "juice blessing"!

Blessing #2 - I won a prize. Today at work we had a benefit'a fair for the employees. I wasn't going to go. I went. I wasn't going to enter the drawing for a prize. I did. I told myself that I never win stuff. Yet I did. Was it by chance that I won? Possibly. But what wasn't by chance was that on the prize table was worship CD I really wanted. That same CD was still sitting there when I got the call that I won a prize. Only Jesus knew I wanted the CD. And that is why is was such a blessing. My Father knows that music is my language, and He was speaking it to me. But He didn't stop with the CD, He kept going!

Blessing #3 - I stopped off in her (one of my residents) room to deliver a card. As I placed the card on her dresser, I noticed a framed piece of sheet music hanging on the wall. It was a song written by her, about Jesus. I walked back to my desk and noticed her watching tv. Man, I wanted to hear that song. I walked over to her, stooped beside her chair and asked her about it. Her face lit up, and she told me that she had written many songs.She started singing one for me. Not the one on the wall, but the one she chose was specifically what I needed. Her soft, warbly, trembling voice sent chills down my back. The words of the song sent even more chills. The line that stood out to me the most was, "Lord, make my life a blessing to bless someone today, Make my life a lighthouse to light somebody's way." She sang it to me twice. (cute!)

Then she started telling me about using her voice for Jesus - singing in nursing homes and praising "her" Jesus. "Hallelujah" flew so freely from her lips in praise and adoration for her Saviour. She said something that I want to hold onto for awhile, "If the Lord gives you even the smallest bit of talent, give it to Him - He will use it!" This hit me, because so often my prayer is "Lord, help me to use my talent for you." I realized that isn't what He wants. He just wants the talent. It is His anyway. Such a good reminder. Such a challenge from a very godly and spiritual woman.

Then she looked at me and said, "I can tell that you know Jesus, because I can see on your face that He lives inside of you." It never fails to get me right in my gut to hear people say that. Not out of pride. Please don't misunderstand me. But sometimes, I wonder if people "see" Him in me. Or if all people see is me.... When she said that she could see Jesus, that made my heart glad.

Then with the love of Jesus beaming through her eyes (remember when I talked about that 'Jesus Shine'), she put her arm around me and said,  "You are precious. You are a lovely woman. Come talk to me anytime, and if I get boring, just leave. You are beautiful. You are precious." Then she hugged me, kissed my cheek, and then kissed my forehead twice. 

These moments are amazing. They cannot be recreated, even if we try. They are completely in the moment - His moment. Don't get so caught up in your life or your tasks or your to do lists, that you miss out on moments like this. And here is the thing - these moments are EVERYWHERE... He wants us to have them. He wants to give them to us. But if we are too busy with our own agendas, we are going to miss out on them completely.

My heart is full. So full right now. She filled my love bank today.... I am humbled and blessed. I sat at the feet of one of the "aged" women and learned. I was taught and I willingly accepted. I was blessed, and in return, so was she. Because, another thing she said when she referred to her musical events at nursing homes, "You know, I went there to be a blessing to them, and yet, The Lord somehow turned it around so that it blessed me too."

And that is how it works folks, that's how it works.

What Makes Us Beautiful

"The most beautiful sight of all, is to see Jesus, shining through the soul of another...."

I don't care what any of you people say, Jessica Alba is gorgeous, and if I were standing next to her, I would hide my face or make sure I was wearing a butt load of mascara! There, I said it. I acknowledged to the world that I am one of those "normal" girls who watches movies and immediately compares myself to the airbrushed goddesses of the cinema screen. Sigh, if only I didn't care so much... Life would be easier... No really, it would be.

Sometimes I feel as if I typify the verse that points out that man looks on the outside, but Jesus looks at our hearts. I constantly find myself looking at people, thinking how outwardly beautiful they are. The world around us, exemplifies and even encourages this behavior  Everything is about how good we look. How appealing we are, and how attractive we are to other people. In truth, it is just a basic human trait. We want to be liked, accepted, desired, revered and approved. We want to be the envy of those around us, and we want to be on top. Now, I am better than I used to be, but I still catch myself paying attention to the outward before I pay attention to anything else.

This is normal for us. But, it is not normal for... HIM.

And that is why I believe He looks at the inside so much. He wants to see if there is room inside for Him.... Because when we are all wrapped up in ourselves, there isn't any room for Him to camp out and shine through. Because my friends, like it or not, that is what true beauty really is, it is about how brightly and dazzling He is allowed to shine through us.

Without using names, I want to tell you about one of the most beautiful people I know. I want to paint a picture of what beauty is really all about. Beauty is from within. I know that sounds like the queen of all cliches, but it is a well known phrase for a reason.

At 19, I was a normal college sophomore  I liked staring at cute boys, curling my hair and singing like I was the next Mariah Carey in the shower. Except, where I went to school, you couldn't say it was Mariah Carey, you had to say that it was, um.... someone you heard on a Pepsi commercial, but you didn't know what the name was... (wink wink)

I was bubbly and social, yet insecure and filled with self doubt. I felt so out of place. Like I didn't belong, and I didn't know where I fit into the big picture. Then Jesus shined through to me...

I was sitting in class one morning, and I saw it. I saw the Jesus Shine. And let me tell you, if you have never seen someone glow with the love of Jesus, then you are missing out my friend. Either get yourself some new friends, or OPEN YOUR EYES! 

This person was overflowing with brightness and joy, and it was magnetic. Most amazing factor of all - they were completely unaware of it. They still are to some degree. That is the most perfect picture of Jesus shining through with beauty and light. A picture of someone who is so focused on HIM, that they are completely unaware of how HE looks as HE pours out of them.

This person is truly beautiful inside AND outside. Another awesome thing about Jesus, when He fills our insides, He makes the outside beautiful as well. Now, does that mean that we are all going to turn into supermodels? Um, no.... thank God (literally). It just means that we are beautiful in HIS eyes, and other people will see that beauty. It is not a beauty that is measured by the world, but it is a beauty that the world cannot ignore.

My friend taught me much about the superfluousness of outward beauty. That saying, "pretty is, as pretty does"? Yeah, outward beauty had no bearing on how this person chose friends. In fact, they saw clean through it, while I was at times intimidated by it.They chose people who magnified Jesus, humbly and not for show.

My friend showed me by their actions that true beauty is magnetic, inviting and accepting. True beauty does not push apart, does not divide and does not find others wanting. True beauty draws people, beckons and loves. That is why true beauty is Jesus. Jesus is all of those things to us.

One more thing, as you move forward and look for beauty differently (at least I pray that is what you take away from this), remember one thing... Oftentimes, the most beautiful people are the ones who have endured the most pain.

Why is this you ask? Pain has a way of emptying your soul of everything. Tears and sorrow are like a mighty river that gathers up everything in its way and moves it on out. And when we are completely gutted and emptied, it is then that the precious Living Water can fill us back up. For once the ugly has been pushed out, the beauty of Christ begins to show.

Who are the beautiful people in your life? The people that you look at, think about, gravitate towards - not because of their clothes, shoes, charm or personality - but because the Holy Spirit in them, is speaking to the Holy Spirit in you. I purposefully didn't name my friend, because, I want each of us to have our own picture. I don't want you thinking about the same person I am. I want Jesus to once again, shine the light on the people He has placed in your life. Acknowledge their beauty for the true reflection of God's exquisite creation. 

Man was the highlight of God's creation, not because of us, but because of the image in whom we were made. And when we forget that, and try to forge our own definition of beauty, we are defeating the initial purpose. We were made in HIS image. We were made to let HIM shine through us. When we do, it is then that the world can have a glimpse of true beauty. His beauty...

Look for His beauty in others, and as you do, let Him empty you, so that He can shine through you as well...

So think about "What Makes You Beautiful"..... Jesus:)

MS, Meet My Red High Heels

Hey MS, I want you to meet some folks. Meet my Red High Heels. You see them? They are going on my feet. They are going on my feet while I WALK out the door. They will stay on my feet as I WALK up and down stairs. Oh, and they will be doing that for a very long time. Just thought I would give you a heads up about that - in case you were getting any ideas about trying to get me into flats any time soon. Yeah....not happening. You see, these bad boys are my inspiration. These guys are a reminder to me that we are winning and you are not. Or rather, that HE is winning....

You see MS - I have another awesome friend, besides my Heels. They are just my posse. This guy, HE is incredible. HE is powerful. HE is mighty. HE is awesome. His name is Jesus, and He is using you to grow and stretch me. But you know what MS, He is healing me from you. That's right, you heard me, you... are... leaving.


Why are you leaving you ask? Well, first of all, we (Jesus and me) have too much to do, and you are just getting in the way. Or rather, you have served your purpose. Don't get me wrong, I have learned a lot from you. I have grown a lot because of you. But for right now, we don't need you. Personally, I don't want to see you come back. No offense. Second, Jesus is so incredibly awesome and talented and smart! You see, even though He allowed you to make an entrance into my life, He has also been showing me how to show you out the door - graciously.


MS - I know that this is difficult for you to take right now, so, I am going to go eat a huge salad while I wait for you to process this.....


Speaking of salad....yeah, salad has also joined my posse. And green juice. And avocado. And quinoa! Jesus has given me food for physical healing, worship and counsel for spiritual/emotional healing, and red heels for... Well, for fun and absolute joy;)


So MS - don't be too broke up about this. Because I am not upset at all. Me, I'm just stoked about this life with Jesus. I am on cloud nine that I get to live for Him. I am thrilled that I have been symptom free for 10 months. I am humbled, blessed and rejoicing over this gift of life that I have been given. This life that I get to truck on through in my red high heels!

p3

I am in the middle of reading an awesome book called, “Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try Hard Life” by Emily Freeman. Because it resonates so strongly with me, I have to read it in stages. Today's chapter ended with this statement, “Jesus didn't value what people thought, He valued people.” Upon reading this phrase, I had to stop. And think about it. It really is true.... You never read about Jesus second guessing what He was called to do. Ever... Wow, to have such faith and belief in a true calling. 

Lately, I have posted a lot about people's opinions determining my decisions. I think I might be redundant to the point of annoyance... Nonetheless, I figure that I am not the only person to struggle with this, so I might as well share how Jesus and I are changing this habit. This is something that controlled most of my growing up, and if my being transparent can help someone else heal, we'll then, I will be redundant... For healing is powerful and restorative.

Growing up, I started to care what people thought of me as early as 7. I cared if they liked my hair, my clothes, my laugh, my stories, my personality, etc... I cared if I was apart if the “in” crowd (Which by the way, consisted of maybe 3 people). Then I started to care what people thought about my academic abilities. Then my musical talents. Then my spiritual accomplishments. And finally, my ranking as “one of the finest young ladies....” 

Now I would NEVER have defined myself as a prideful person. Mostly because I tried so hard to be humble. Humility is apparently the best quality to be acknowledged for possessing (How's that for an oxymoron?). But when I look back at all the ways through which I tried to gain acceptance, I realized it was ALL about works and tangible accomplishments. It was all about me...... but, I told myself that it was about Jesus. 

Since I know myself fairly well, I can say that some of it was about Jesus. I love HIM a lot! I wanted to please Him. However, I wasn't asking Jesus if I was pleasing Him. I was looking at other people who were “godly”, or “closer to God” than I thought myself to be. If I had their approval than I knew I was on the right track. Even when it felt weird. Even when it felt wrong. Even when I couldn't explain it for the life of me, I still followed in that vein of thinking.

Why? Well....there are a lot of reasons. Three reasons why I did it, and three reasons why I don't anymore. Oh, and they all start with “p”.... (I actually hate alliteration. It limits my creative flow, haha.But, for the sake of this post, I use my least favorite writing tool. For, I believe it makes a point. And it drives home a way of thinking I'm trying to change)

Why I Did:

1.Preferences

  I became a people pleaser at a young age. Whatever kept the peace. Whatever made people happy and whatever made people like me. Or at least to is what I told myself. For example, if someone said that reading the Bible two hours everyday was a way to prove your dedication to God, then I would have tried it. Now, I would have failed, miserably. Why? Because I am human and Nancy Drew and playing outside are more appealing when you are eight. But here is where it was so unhealthy. If someone shared a presences like that and I could achieve it (which happened often by the way), I would spend days and weeks feeling guilty and less than acceptable because I couldn't reach someone else's guidelines for spiritual success.

2.Principles

  I especially followed preferences when they were argued upon with “principles”, Biblical principles. Because if someone could justify it, then I had a hard time arguing with it. Even when it seemed wrong and unhealthy, or just flat out didn't make sense. Because remember, I'm a people pleaser. And I please people with principles and preferences.

3.People

  And if preferences and principles were promoted by PEOPLE, well then I was headed on a downward spiral. Mainly because I wanted to fit in and be accepted so badly. I wanted to be wanted, and I had found an avenue through which I could do that and excel. At least that is what I told myself. I could follow rules, sort of. you see, I can ease myself into a mold for a short period of time. Then common sense and Jesus start to kick in and I start coloring outside of the lines, haha. I told myself that if I gained the approval and good will of certain people, then I could place myself on this personal scale of success. I could gage my growth and maturity. I could now ,for a fact, how well I was doing - especially spiritually. For with the acceptance and approval of man comes godliness, maturity and growth - right?

This way of living was exhausting. Emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Now, the three “P”s are not of themselves bad, but if you are looking to anyone but Jesus for your ultimate guidance in these areas, then you are in for a life of confusion and disillusionment. I know this because I have experienced it. So, I will turn these three “P”s around to show you what Jesus has been showing me and teaching me about prioritizing. Or rather, re-prioritizing.

Why I Don't Anymore:

1.Preferences

  I am to serve God rather than man - therefore, if I am looking to man’s preferences rather than God’s commandments, then I am not loving and serving my Jesus. Oh, and lets not forget that man looks on the outside while God looks on the heart. I am far from perfect and there is none righteous. So, with that being said, my preferences are the last ones that people need to be using as life guidelines. If I use other people to tell me if I am succeeding, what do I do when they change? Or when they are gone? Or when they have wrong motives? See the downside to this way of thinking?

  

2.Principles

  If you look up the word principle in the dictionary, you will find multiple definitions. The two that stood out to me are as follows:

A) “a rule or code of conduct”

B) ”a comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, or assumption”

The first definition is the one I spent a majority of my life living by. Now, as I write this, I want to state that I am pointing no fingers. I am not blaming anyone for “making” me live this way. I am just relating the works and going on of my own spirit and mind. Jesus pointed out to me that I spent more time wondering what “Fill In Name” would think than I did actually being alone with Him, seeking what He wanted me to do. Which leads to the second definition. “Fundamental law and doctrine” is a key . For me, it no longer references man’s laws. A least not initially.  It is referencing Jesus’s law and doctrine. It references Who I need to be most concerned about being close to.

3.People

  Jesus’s main goal and purpose was PEOPLE. More often than not, we focus on the preferences and principles more than we do the people. Why is that? Well, I know that for me, it seemed far easier to follow tangible rules (because rules are concrete; concrete is safe;), rather than open myself up to the vulnerability of relationships and relating to people. This was skewed thinking. There is nothing more freeing than opening yourself up to the grace and liberty that is Jesus. I didn't say it wasn't scary, I just said it was freeing. It is freeing to realize that with Jesus by your side you don't need to worry. I didn't say it would be smooth sailing, I just said you don't need to worry about it. God’s got your back. Oh, and get this, He has your back and loves you even when it isn't reciprocated... You hear that? His love isn't conditional and He is NOT a respecter of persons!

Do I still have preferences? Sure, we all do. I hate wearing socks to bed and chewing with your mouth open is gross. But,just because I can justify my preferences, does NOT mean that it is “law” or that people “have” to follow them. Nor should they feel like they have to follow them in order to receive good will and love from me.

Do I live by principles? Yes, to a point... Laws and guidelines are great. They are even helpful and safe. But, when followed blindly or set up improperly, they can also enable you to be very rigid, locked and judgmental. And when you follow people instead of the Person, you open yourself up to a world of mess. because, you can’t please everyone all of the time. Personally, I’d rather be open to the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit. He's been around the block a few time, and I trust Him more than I trust human beings with motives.

Do I love people? Oh man, yes I do! People are frustrating, entertaining, difficult, wonderful and amazing creations of God! People make me smile, and people are a motivating factor for how I live my life. People are fun and bring joy to my life. But, people shouldn't flat out determine my life, no should I determine theirs. I am better than no one, and no one is better than I am. I am not judge and jury, nor am I responsible for everyone's actions. People don't determine my destiny, control my feelings or handle my outcomes. Unless I let them.... People just need love. People just need Jesus. People (speaking to myself here) need to know that Jesus and love are synonymous. And personally, I want people to see the love of Jesus shine through me every single day. 

I have yet to meet someone that felt the unconditional, sacrificial love of Jesus through a rigid set of principles and preferences set forth by people. But when we let Him flow freely through us.... That is where we see the greatest gain and the most incredible miracles. Because folks, it's not about us... And in my experience, all stringent rule setting does is give you a guideline to show others how awesome you are. How well you can conform. How dedicated you are. Historical religious leaders led strict lives of dedication to those rules, and Jesus told them they were focusing on the wrong things! When I get to Heaven, no one is going to care about how well I fit myself into a mold. No one. No is going to ask how well I pleased everyone else with my righteous living. I am just going to look into the face of my Jesus, and nothing else will matter. Even if I don't receive crowns or blessings - you hear that? - even if I don't receive a single crown, Jesus still wants me in Heaven with Him. Because He wants me more than anything. It's why He died. His unconditionally, all inclusive love enables Him to look past my failings and see something that He wants....

Liberty in Christ...... Safety in the knowledge than I can fully depend on Him.... Peace in knowing that He is the Way, the Truth Andy the Life... Joy in knowing that I am NEVER alone....

Honesty

Lately, it seems like I've done a lot of writing about being real. And at the risk of sounding redundant, I feel like I should preface this by saying "why" I am writing about this again.

So often, I find that when the Lord continuously teaches me the same lesson, it is for one of two reasons.

1) I am not learning what He wants me to or

2) It is really important that this lesson sticks.

Being real - being transparent - being vulnerable - being honest.

All of these things are both frightening and liberating. All of these things are both challenging and necessary.

I used to make my decisions regarding transparency based on the fearfulness and the challenge, not realizing the liberty and necessity of my being real and honest.

If something was fearful it must be bad, and if something was challenging, then I was being tested or tempted. I couldn't make a wise decision on my own, or so I thought. I was always running to other people for "counsel". At least, that is what I thought I was doing. But really, I was trying to figure out what decision would please everybody else... I am not saying that everyone does it like this. I can only speak for myself. This is how I was doing it and why….. Not proud of it, but like I said, I’m just keeping it real.

2 Timothy 1:7 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Proverbs 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Think about these truths for a moment, and ask yourself how they relate to each when it comes to being real? Then, after being universal (something we all do by the way), ask yourself how they tie in with YOU being real and honest….. Now, bear with me, because we are getting down in the muck for the rest of this

Being real, being transparent - reoccurring themes in my life. Why do they keep coming up? What am I not learning? Is it really about being real to everyone else.......? Or is the real lesson to be learned about being transparent with myself....

Phew..... That's a good question....

So, being the good question that it was, I asked it to myself. And the answer I got, I wasn't necessarily fond of it.

This might surprise some people, it might not surprise others, but, I never felt truly comfortable in my own skin until about 11 months ago. Not comfortable in my own skin? Feeling unsure of who I am? Not knowing where I fit in? Yeah.... I had all of those questions. More questions came up, and I had to answer every single one of them. I had to answer them because; I had spent much of my upbringing pushing them out of my head. I had been pushing them out of my head because I had other questions that were speaking much LOUDER. And unfortunately, those questions had more to do with my reputation and what people were going to think of me, than what Jesus was trying to teach me...

Such vain and selfish thoughts. Now, it was never my intent to be selfish, but I was. My motivation wasn’t driven solely by vanity, but it was still vain, and I definitely had vain moments.

I wasn’t going to be quite this transparent, but in order to elaborate, I will. Selfishness is caring more about you – AT the expense of others. That means, that when I sat back and mocked and judged people who didn’t fit the mold or who didn’t follow all the rules, I was being selfish and vain. How you ask? I was selfish because fitting in with everyone else at that moment was more important to me than sticking up for them. I was vain because (I almost can’t say it), I thought I was better than they were because I followed the rules and they didn’t…. Of this I am most ashamed. Most ashamed, because, I treated people that way. I was the judge and juror when I had no idea what was going on at home. Judge and juror when I didn’t have the slightest clue about the hurt in their heart…

Moments like this shame me – but in a healthy, healing way. I never want to do that again. I have no room to judge, because Someone already occupies that seat. And He is far more just and benevolent than I am…

The Lord broke me of the selfishness and vanity, but the “looking to other people for acceptance” was still there. I was no longer judging (or at least trying not to), but I was terrified of being judged. Terrified, because, I had been judgmental, and I knew how harsh people could be, and how lonely that felt…

Then I had to finally be…. Honest…

I was caring more about what other people thought than what HE thought. I was focused more on if other people thought I was godly, then whether He felt loved and adored by me. I was allowing other people to dictate to me what was right, instead of seeking it out for me and listening to the Holy Spirit. And this, my friends, is why I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. This is why I looked in the mirror and I had to look away because of the insincerity and pain that I saw there. This is why I looked in the mirror and saw strain and anxiety, instead of peace and joy.

2 Timothy 1:7 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Proverbs 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

To loop back to both of those beautiful Scriptures, I will end with this. God gave us counselors, because in second opinions there is safety. However, God also gave you freedom, liberty, courage and a sound mind to make decisions. If we are following Christ, then we are never truly making decisions completely on our own. The Holy Spirit should be the loudest voice we hear, as it is He who lives in us.

About a week ago I started writing a new song (For those of you who don't know, I'll let you in on a little secret, I LOVE singing from my heart and I LOVE writing music with my hands....). It isn't finished yet, but when it is, I hope to share it with you. The main theme of the song is about what we see when we truly look at ourselves. Do we see pain, hurt, and rejection? Do we see vanity, pride and arrogance? Or, do we see Jesus? Not because we are so holy and righteous, for we are not, but because He flows so freely and strongly through us, that He is all we can see. That is what I want; I want to see Jesus - today, tomorrow and always...

My Sweetheart

Hey girls….want to hear a secret? Of course you do, we LOVE secrets! Well, here it is…. I have found the absolute PERFECT guy! Oh I know you think yours is the best, and I hate to break the news to you this way, but…. I found him!

To appease your ever growing curiosity, let me tell you about him, because he is pretty much amazing!

This man is the epitome of a gentleman. Always asking how he can help other people. Always gracious – asking what he can do to make things easier for other people. He is protective and caring. He checks up on me and asks how I am doing and feeling. When times are tough, he is quick to reassure me of his love for me. Did I mention he is absolutely adorable? Oh, and he prays for me, every night. His sense of humor – unbelievable! His taste in music – impeccable! His principles and character – from another time and unmatchable….

Who is my knight in shining armor? Well girls….he’s my grandpa – the sweetest man I have ever known…



How could you NOT fall in love with this face???



I spent several hours yesterday and again today sitting with him in the hospital. And both times that I left, I cried on my way home. Cried, because selfishly, I’m not ready to let him go yet. I’m not ready to stop holding his hand or kissing his cheek. I’m not ready to stop seeing his face light up when I come see him. Or when he sees me and says, “Oh, Elizabeth!” There is nothing like those words from that voice…

Allow me to brag and gush for a few (or ten) paragraphs – because that’s what girls do about their sweethearts, lol

This gem of a man was soo gentle and kind and gracious yesterday with all of his nurses. When they needed to take his blood pressure, his response was, “Do you need me to lift my arm up to help you get it better?” Seriously, could he be any cuter??

When you are admitted to the hospital for anything, they ask you if you want to be kept alive in case of an emergency. So, as he was telling me about that (always trying to protect and prepare us), immediately after he told me about the (do not resuscitate) paperwork, he very quickly said, “But if anything happens to me, you know that I love you, right?” And yes, for once in my life, I am thankful his eyesight isn’t fabulous, otherwise he would have seen the HUGE alligator tears welling up in my eyes.

He tried so hard to stay awake visiting with me, but finally I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and he could just rest – so he did. And he snored, and I thought it was adorable..lol

This morning, he was in fine form – as his sense of humor came out in droves! Let me share the dialogue that took place over my latte.

Grandpa: “They wouldn’t give me any coffee this morning, only water. (insert grumpy face) You don’t drink coffee do you Elizabeth?”

Me: Yes sir I do, every morning

Grandpa:  “Oh! Good for you! That’s the Norwegian in you then.” (insert chuckle)

Haha! What a champ! But, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him that I pay almost $4 for a latte…. He was dismayed, not that I pay that, but that anyone would charge that much for coffee! It was "just terrible!" LolJ

Here is another conversation that had me in stitches. Mostly because of his facial expressions (they are priceless). In order to get the full affect, you would really have to know him, but, I will do my best to relay it how it happened.

Uncle Kelvin: “You know Dad, the doctor is really impressed that you are 95”

Grandpa: “Oh really? Why’s that?”

Uncle Kelvin: “Because most men from your generation didn’t live past 45 years old”

Grandpa(with a look of disdain): “Ah, pfft, I don’t believe in that stuff”

Uncle Geof: (as we are all cracking up) “And that Dad, is why you are 95”

Grandpa: “hahaha, I suppose you’re right!”

The sweet tender moments I have shared with this man over the years are precious and so dear to my heart. When he holds my hand as I lay my head on his shoulder, it is comforting and I feel at home. We can sit there in comfortable silence, just enjoying each other’s company. The nice thing is, it’s always been that way. Today, one of those sweet moments happened, and I want to engrave it on my heart so that it never ever goes away.

Me: (lays my head on Grandpa’s shoulder)

Grandpa: (leans over and whispers) “You know I love you don’t you Elizabeth?”

Me: “Oh Grandpa, of course I do…”

Grandpa: “Good, because I do love you. I’ve loved you since the day you were born. And I pray for you every night.”

Me: (kisses that beautiful weathered cheek) “I love you too Grandpa…”

I have always told my grandpa that when I find a guy as sweet as him, I will snatch him up and marry him, lol. But until then, eat your hearts out ladies, because I have the finest catch in town – and there’s nothing you can do about it! He’s all mine – forever and always – my hero, my inspiration, my sweetheart!

Grandpa, you stole my heart the day you taught me how to dance. And I don’t ever want it back, because it is always yours….

I’m Me, and That’s Ok - Finally...

So I have a question? Am I the only one who not only goes to bed with a million thoughts in her brain, but also wakes up with them? Sometimes my brain feels like an overcrowded pinball machine – ideas and thoughts being ricocheted all over the place, but never going anywhere….

But every once in awhile, one of the ideas goes into the goal, and I score a point. Not a numerical point, but, a life point. A gold star. A reminder that no matter the obstacles that stand in my way, (be it emotional/physical/spiritual/mental), breakthrough IS possible.

By nature, I am an avid learner. I crave understanding and knowledge. Maybe it’s slightly an OCD thing, or maybe it is just who I am. I read everything that comes through my hands – wrappers included.

Why? Um, I don’t know…. But after years of overanalyzing myself about it, I have come to the conclusion that it is just the way I am, and I’m ok with that. Doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to be, it just means that I am. I am ok with, and even embrace this part of myself.

Because it is important for me to understand and know why, I tend to do A LOT of self reflecting. In my mind, if I understand what happened, I can repeat it if it was a positive experience, or I can do it differently if it was not a positive experience. Couple this part of my personality with the “I refuse to give up because I hate losing” side of myself, and you better watch out – it could get very deep, psychological and competitive, lol.

What could I possibly be reflecting on these days? Well, to be honest, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on….me…

Now, before you try to figure out where I am going with this, hang tight. I will do my very best to explain, clearly and openly. When I say I have been reflecting on myself, that in and of itself is nothing new. In fact, I think we all reflect on ourselves on a daily basis. The difference for me was in HOW I was reflecting, and in HOW I was thinking about and even talking to myself.

So, here goes nothing….

“Just love yourself…”

I have heard this phrase a lot – and to be honest, it has received a lot of flack in our Christian circles. Understandably so – at least to a certain degree – because, it seems to be in direct contradiction with the command that we need to “die to self” in order for Christ to be able to “work in us and through us.”

However, although I have heard multiple times that I shouldn’t “love” myself; I have yet to hear how I am supposed to feel about myself. The opposite of love is hate, and I am fairly certain the Lord doesn’t want me to hate myself. So where is the balance? What is the fine line? Is there one?

I haven’t found a scripture yet where God tells me not to love myself… (If there is one, please tell me…) What I have found is God’s telling us how we are to feel about ourselves. He tells us over and over again in His word. I am His workmanship – a workmanship that He said was good. I am wonderful – because He says I am. I am beloved – because He says I am. I am worth it – because He says I am. I don’t love/like myself because I am so awesome or amazing, but because I love what God has created, and I love the plan that He had for me when He allowed me to be born. And since I am part of that creation, I shouldn’t hate or loath what He creates – even when that creation is me.  

I love music because He gave me a song. I love people because He loves them through me. I have more words in my head at one time than any human being should probably have in their entire lifetime, but….He designed that – to be used for His purpose. So why am I not embracing who He created me to be?

Circumstances surrounding my childhood heightened a lot of anxiety producing, self protective qualities in me. I was awkward, because I was scared. I toed the line, because it was safe. I did what I was told, and I did what was expected – because it gave me structure and I knew what to expect from it. The thing is – I needed that structure and consistency, or at least I told myself I did. I had to have that AND the Lord in order to make it.

But, as I grew in my relationship with Christ, those self protective tendencies started to stone wall the growth the Lord was working through me. You see, the more liberty and freedom you have in Christ, the less you need to fortress yourself in a castle built of protectiveness and angst. The more you release your fears to Him, the less you need to worry about structure keeping you safe. I got so caught up “fitting the mold”, that I lost sight of being moldable clay in the Potter’s hands. I thought if I held on tight enough, planned everything enough, marked off that checklist of do’s and don’ts, then I would be prepared for tragedy and pain – or at least be better equipped for it…

“Hitting rock bottom”

This is a term typically used to describe when people have messed up their lives so much, they have nowhere else to go but back up. For me, I had to hit rock bottom emotionally. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone would have been able to tell unless they were really close to me. But inside, the Holy Spirit was churning and stirring up everything I had tried so hard to compartmentalize for years. You see, I thought I had developed into the person I was supposed to be, and that person/image was safe/appropriate/predictable/right…. Yet, who’s definition was I using? On what scale was I grading myself? Oh right….mine

“Letting Go – Being Free”

So, I let go. Not without fear, not without tears and not without pain. Because, as I let go of who I thought I was supposed to be, I was left to wonder who I really and truly was…

Now here is where it gets awesome… when I let go of who I “thought” I was supposed to be, an incredible thing happened. I slowly and freely started to become who HE created me to be. It was a gradual process, one that is still taking place, and one that will always be taking place. It will always be taking place, because He is NEVER finished with me!

You know what though? I am totally ready for that, and my sense of adventure is raring to go!

I woke up this morning, completely content and comfortable with who I am as a person. Two years ago… I couldn’t say that about myself. Shoot, 6 months ago it might even have been difficult. What changed you ask? Well, I realized, I am not enslaved anymore. I am not enslaved by the perceptions and expectations of man. I am free. I have hope and peace and joy! I have all of this because of what ONE person did for me! Is everything going to go perfect? Of course it isn’t, you know that… but I am NOT alone. I am never forsaken. I am never left behind. And my destiny is in the hands of Christ – a destiny that I am totally and completely stoked about living!

So, do I love myself? Yeah, I do… But like I said, I love what God loves, and HE loves me. So on those days when Debbie Downer whispers crap in my ear, HE is the one reminding me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” HE is the one reminding me that all of my quirks and oddities are there for a purpose. And, if I am willing, HE wants to show me that purpose. And you know what? HE does show me – He shows me every single day. And it is awesome!

What don’t you like about yourself? Why don’t you like it? Is it because other people judge it, or is it something over which the Spirit convicts you? My self-adjustments aren’t made for other people anymore. Believe me, I self adjust, ALL the time, lol. I have to do this because I am not a perfect person, and no matter how comfortable I am with myself, I am still going to make mistakes. But I don’t make changes anymore because I have been made to feel guilty or ashamed. I don’t make changes because I fear being rejected if I don’t comply.  It is because the Holy Spirit gently shows me why I need to change or why I need to grow. It is because I love HIM. It is because I want to be in one accord with my BEST FRIEND. HE is my final authority, and the ONLY one before whom I will stand. When I am ok with HIM, I am ok – period. No one else should be the determining factor. Think about it? HE wants to do EPIC things with your life --- let Him!

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?