Children, Dogs and Old Men

I have had many people ask me, especially lately, why I don't have a boyfriend. Just so you all know, that is a very annoying question. One for which I have no answer. Also, it is a question that I don't dwell on a whole lot. Not because I don't want a boyfriend, but because I try to live in the moment as much as I can. And in the moment, I don't have a boyfriend. I live in the moment because I believe that is where Jesus wants me to be. I also find that He surrounds me with people who typify behaviors that He wants me to implement in my own life.

However, this post is not about my lack of boyfriend'ness', because honestly, those posts are really irritating. Reading about people who are "soo content" as they wait on The Lord for God's Will... How about you live God's Will right now? How about we focus on today instead of always dreaming about tomorrow? Now, dreaming is not bad, I do it all the time. But, some times I spend more time dreaming than I actually do living.

Typically after the "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" question is asked, I usually try to gloss over the awkwardness with some humor. I answer like this, "Well, the thing is, I usually attract children, dogs and old men. And unfortunately, none of them are boyfriend material." This results in a laugh, and then the weirdness of it all is over. Unless of course, they want to then set me up with their 42 year old, ping pong playing brother who has never been married but needs help loving Jesus. (Yeah, that happened....) I kid you not, I can go almost anywhere, and if there is a smll child, a dog or an old man around.... They will find me. Sit next to me and immediately be my best friend. Except the old men... they usually propose.

When I sit down and think about the type of people that I do attract, I am initially puzzled. Then I chuckle. And then I start to ponder. I mentioned earlier that Jesus surrounds me with the type of people from whom He wants me to learn.

Think about it - children, dogs and the older generation are loving, trusting and very much in the moment. 

Wow, what if I was more like that with The Lord everyday. What if I tried to overwhelm Him with my love, if I innocently and completely trusted Him and lived right now with Him? These groups are all very intuitive and honest. If they like you, they like you. If they don't? Well, there might be a good reason. Even if there isn't a good reason, they don't care.

Children want to play, dogs want to protect, and old folks want to love. Adults make lists, look out for themselves and push emotion to the side. Now, I am a list maker. I like to (and usually need to) make list of everything I 'have' to do, check it off and then look at it when the day is over to see how much I accomplished. This is not a negative quality and does allow me to get a lot of things done at work and at home. Sometimes though, I asked myself if I am putting the right things on my list...
Jesus spent 3 solid years in ministry as an adult, but I don't ever remember reading that He made a list. Yet, He still accomplished in 3 short years, what some of us fail to accomplish in a lifetime. I am not talking about salvation, because obviously, that is not something that we can give to others. I have talking about loving people. He loved people, not for what they did, but for who they were. He met people where they were in life, regardless of how they got there.. He provided for their needs, without focusing on how they could repay such a debt.

Children, dogs and old people are very similar to Jesus in those ways. 

Children love us, just because. Dogs are loyal, just because. Older folks are dependent on and delighted in us, just because.

What if we loved Jesus, just because? What if we were loyal and faithful to Him, just because? What if we were dependent on Him and delighted in Him, just because?

We know What and Who He is. We are able to tell people all the wonderful things about Jesus and then use those same things to try and convince them that they should love Him as well. 

I don't want to convince people anymore. I just want them to know that I love Jesus, and that He loves me.

"For God so loved the world..."

Why?

Just because...

Emotional Novicane

Last night I drove home from my mom's house, and I bawled like a young child all the way home...

May 18th of this year marked eleven years since my dad passed away. Sometimes I ask myself if it is supposed to hurt this much even though it has been so long. Sometimes I don't think about whether it is right or wrong.  I wish I could say I don't even stop to think about it, that I just hurt - however, that isn't usually the case.

Usually the case is this - I don't let myself hurt because I am:

1) surrounded by people and I am kind of a loud crier and my nose might kind of get really red
2) too overwhelmed with life to fully process what I am feeling
3) focused on someone/something else that I view as more important than my private pain

I think a good term for this experience would be emotional novicane. I define emotional novicane like this - when something or someone distracts you from your hurt/pain/sorrow/depression/fear/etc long enough to bury it away, only to have it come back when you least expect it.

It is like when I would go to the dentist to get a cavity filled, and they would numb my mouth for the procedure. The novicane is seriously the coolest stuff on the planet. It felt like my lips were melting off of my face and it felt like they were twice the size they normally were. But after awhile, it wears off almost instantaneously and ALL the pain and discomfort hit you out of nowhere.

That is what happens when I stuff my hurt and my emotions. It feels like my heart is numb, sliding off into oblivion, when really it isn't. It is still there, beating and feeling with the same intensity, I just can't feel it.

That's how I felt on the 18th of May. And honestly, that is how I have felt alot over the past 11 years. I felt I didn't have time or a place to grieve my dad. To grieve the loss that was and that would be.

I just couldn't hurt that day. I felt too vulnerable. I felt outside of myself. Truthfully, I didn't really want to hurt that day. Or the day after. Or the day after. I began to think I had escaped the rush of emotions that tends to follow around this time of year...

On Sunday afternoon it hit me out of nowhere. I was at a friend's graduation party, and saw her joking with her dad. I smiled to myself as I watched the look of pride pass from father to daughter. Then it hit me... I don't ever get to have that again. Period.

I was immediately numb and still. Still not able to fully process what I had been avoiding for almost a month. Too many people in the room and too many festivities that would be diminished by my grief should I choose to express it. Emotional Novicane Inserted.

As always when I am transparent, I fear that people will think I am asking for pity. I'm not, and please don't pity or feel sorry for me. Just keeping being the awesome friends that you are. It is what it is, I cannot change it. But because I can't change it, I have to grieve it, and I have to hurt. Else I won't ever heal. And that is something that I am constantly learning.

So as I drove home last night, I started sobbing almost uncontrollably. No trigger, just a torrent of crocodile tears pouring down my face. You see, I cried because the pain in my heart was far too big to hold in any longer. As I cried, I shouted out to  my dad as though he were right beside me, "Why did you leave me?" "Why didn't you take your medicine" "Why didn't you fight harder to stay with me?"

Yet, as I asked those questions, I already knew the answers. He didn't want to leave me. The medicine might not have helped. He did fight to stay - He fought until he could fight no more.

Today I am better than I was yesterday. Although, I still feel my tears pretty close to the surface. This pain is one that will come and go for the rest of my life. That is normal and understandable. I lost my best friend 11 years ago, and that takes a long time to heal. But I cannot continue to heal if I don't allow myself to purge and if I keep giving myself shots of emotional novicane.

 

I'll paraphrase a Scripture in Ecclesiastes that says, "to everything there is a season.... a time to mourn"

 

It is good to give yourself that time. Whatever your heartache, pain, worry or sorrow is, HE knows it. HE feels it with you, and HE will carry you through it. It will take time, and the pain may never fully go away. But, you are never alone - even when it feels like it.

 

When it feels like it, call on a friend. They can't fix it, but you won't be physically alone. And, if you can't think of anyone, send me a message - I am and I will be that friend. No hurting alone if you don't want to:)

 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

 

 

#day2 & #day3 recap

When you are truly passionate and believe in something, it doesn't and shouldn't matter what other people think.

You really are only out to seek approval from ONE person - or at least, that is what it should be... Not only that, it's not even approval you should be seeking. Because what you seek has already been freely given. Love & acceptance.... So really, you shouldn't be seeking approval, you should be showing and RETURNING love...

These #40days are all about "seeing" Jesus. And the reason we are able to "see" Him, is because He demonstrated the most amazing act of love known to mankind - personal sacrifice.

Even though it is only day 3, I feel that I have already learned so much. On day 1, I was reminded that not only just Jesus "see" me, but that He also "hears" me. I had prayers answer that day. Day 2 and day 3 - awesome! Completely awesome! And because of something that happened today, I felt my definition of "awesome" shaken a little. But then, I "saw" Him and reminded me that His definition is the one that matters. Not the definition of the world.

So let's recap!

Day 2

(Part 1)

I received a message from a friend late Monday night/Early Tuesday morning. This friend wanted to know what they could do to help someone in their life who is currently suffering with MS. I sat on my bed, totally stunned for a few minutes. I had told the Lord a few days prior that I really want to help and be an encouragement to those with MS. I remember well the lonely days. The days that I felt like an outsider in my own life. The days that all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, cry and go back to sleep. (there were a couple days that I did that....) If my experience can be an encouragement to someone else, then it was all worth it. Because through my MS, I have more clearly "seen" Jesus....

He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me....

Psalm 18:19

(Part 2)

I woke up Tuesday morning to a text message. It was screenshot of my best friend's computer. On that screenshot, it was depicted that she had started a team to walk in the Walk MS in her hometown. I cried. She started it because she cannot fly up to walk in the Seattle one with me.... I am constantly humbled by the love and support of my friends. Another friend sent an email to all her contacts and as a result, our donations have more than DOUBLED in the last week! I love my friends so much... I truly have friend who "show" Jesus!





if you want to donate or walk with my bestie:) click here

Day 3

(Part 1)

Woke up Wednesday morning and checked my email, per usual. I had an devotional a friend sent me. The exact verse I needed. Spiritual encouragement is the best!

(Part 2)

I had an interview. I didn't get the job, BUT it was fascinating.... And the Lord taught me some things, and reminded me of some things. The details of this interview will be in a blog post all it's own, haha!

All in all, it was a fabulous day! I am starting to wake up each day, wondering how HE is going to show Himself to me.... It is super exciting!

40 More Days of Jesus

#day1 recap

Sometimes, we minimize the things that God does in our lives. We do not give full acknowledgement to the magnitude of the little things. Littles things that we define as such. Nothing is too small for God, but we tend to put Him and His blessings in a box. We gauge what is a BIG blessing and what is a small blessing. We define what is a miracle of God and what is just a common occurrence. Shame on us...

Part of my goal for "40 More Days of Jesus", is to bring back into perspective the very presence of God in my life. He is always there, never leaving or forsaking, however, I do not always give Him the attention or the prominence that He deserves. Day 1 was awesome, and I am looking forward to the next 39. I truly believe that Jesus is going to be seen more clearly than He ever has before. I believe that for those of us partaking in this, we will be overwhelmed by how "present" He is...ALL the time....

Day 1:

I figured while I am documenting on Facebook and Instagram with pictures, I would also document on the blog so that I can give back story - because those are always fun!

Yesterday I had a phone interview, which I feel went so well! Thank you Lord!!!! After the interview, I checked my email, and there was an invite to yet another interview... I had to sit back and take it in, because I had asked the Lord for choices. And while I have not been offered a position yet, this was still an answer to prayer.

On top of that just being a wonderful morning, I was able to write 2 blog posts and... oh yeah, MY BUSINESS CARDS CAME!!! FIVE DAYS EARLY!!!! Pretty awesome day 1!

 One day down, thirty nine to go.... I am super excited about what is going to happen!

He answers prayers!!!

Five days early!!!!

40 More Days of Jesus

Last night at church, I heard an interesting thought. One that I never really dwelt on before, but definitely want to now.

“We spend so much time focusing on Jesus leading up to Easter, but then when it’s over, we don’t dwell on Him as much. He spent another 40 days on earth before ascending to Heaven! It didn’t end on Resurrection Sunday.”

How very true… We focus on what we are going to give up for Lent, or we focus on Good Friday and the days leading up to the Resurrection Celebration. But, we don’t stop and think about the fact that Jesus appeared to over 500 people over the course of the forty days following His resurrection. He didn’t just die, rise again and then peace out of here. He stuck around because He still had things to do!

So, I decided that for the next 40 days, I want to “see” Jesus. I want to make a purposeful effort every single day for the next 40 days, to “see” Jesus. I believe that he makes himself known to us every day, but it is not often that we acknowledge that it is Him. We are so caught up in our lives and with our agendas, that if it isn’t Sunday, we are not thinking about Him. It goes deeper than that though… We can acknowledge and think about Jesus without “seeing” Him.

When I was in college, I was CRAVING dried mangoes. Nobody knew that I wanted them, and I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t have the extra money to buy them, so I just said to the Lord in passing, “You know Lord, I would really love some dried mangoes.” Two days later, my mom sent me a package, and what do you know, inside was a bag of dried mangoes. That is what I mean by “seeing” Jesus. Those mangoes were from my mom, BUT, ultimately, they were from the Lord. He sent them to me, and I “saw” Him because of it.

40 days from today is May 10^th. I want to invite and encourage you to join me during the next 40 days. Document and acknowledge the ways that Jesus makes Himself known to you. Maybe it is in your devotions. Maybe it is in a text from a friend. Maybe you see something while you are driving to work and it reminds you of a spiritual truth or promise. Acknowledge it. And like those who saw Jesus after His resurrection, tell other people! Do not keep these appearances to yourself. Share it with friends, family, and strangers. Use social media. Use texting. Send a card telling someone about how you “saw” Jesus. I believe that the next 40 days can be very powerful and eye opening for many, many people.

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Matthew 18:20

Holes n' Souls

My train of thought doesn't make sense. At least not right away. Someone makes a comment that it's cold outside. That comment makes me think of a song. Which makes me think about my piano. Which makes me think about my apartment. Which makes me think about my fridge. Which makes me think about food. So I say to that someone, "I'm hungry". When their original comment had absolutely NOTHING to do with food.... See what I mean.... It's bad.

However, sometimes, my random train of thought has positive and inspirational creative outcomes. A few months back, a friend said to me "I want to be wholly surrendered to God and solely dependent on HIM!" Then this friend said, "You should write a poem about that." Insert Elizabeth's train of thought....

Wholly = Holes --> Solely = Soles --> Shoes = Holes in the Your Soles --> Evangelization

Totally makes sense, right?? I mean, how could I not go there? How could I not go from complete surrender to Jesus to needing to replace your shoes to spreading the Gospel? It is soo obvious....

But, for those of you who are having difficulting connecting the dots, I will digress and explain.

The act of being wholly surrendered to God is one that I strive for on a daily basis. Why I can relate shoes to this idea, is because I want to be wholly surrendered to GO wherever God wants me to go. TALK to whoever He wants. STAY wherever He wants, and BE wherever He wants. All actions that require moving or staying or doing, which in turn requires walking, which requires shoes. See? Completely logical.

So, not only does my heart need to be surrendered, but so do my feet. They are my "transportation" if you will. They get me from point A to point B. And they get me there to complete a purpose. I might not know what that purpose is, but I need to be open and ready when HE shows me. Open and ready to GO.

Now, am I saying that in order to be spirtual and righteous, we need to walk around with our toes poking out of our shoes? No genius, don't be so literal. I am not saying that in order to be surrendered to God, we have to suffer and only use broken and damaged things. Take care of what God has given you. Make sure that your resources are in good repair so that you can use them for Him in their fullest capacity. However, sometimes, we can take the idea of maintenance a little too far.

Perfect shoes without a scratch or tear are not always a sign of good stewardship. Sometimes they signify lack of use. Should you maintain good repair of your "shoes"? Of course. Do not be afraid of a wear and tear to the point that you do not use the resouces He has gifted and entrusted to you. A few holes and scuffs are normal, and they tend to show where your priorities truly are.

"Shoes" is anything God has given you that enables you to share the Gospel (HIM) with other people. "Shoes" could be your car (taking people to church). "Shoes" could be sparkly personality (ability to make friends and influence people). "Shoes" could be a gift for public speaking (preaching, teaching, etc). "Shoes" can be and are different for everyone.

The main thing to remember is this - if you want to be "wholly surrendered and solely dependent", you have to put on your "shoes" and start walking. HE will lead you where HE wants you. And HE will make a way.

Faith in action is passionate about His message, powered by His strength  and produces His life changing results .

Holes and Souls

At the bus stop I did stand, waiting for my ride,
Briefcase in my left hand, young child by my side.

My eyes were quickly glancing at the traffic passing by,
When suddenly I turned and heard my child's heavy sigh.

"What's wrong I asked", with true concern for what might ail his heart.
"It's these old shoes", he moaned and groaned, "They always fall apart."

To the ground, I crouched to look, at his poor tattered “sole.”
The flap was ripped, the edges scuffed and at the toe a “hole.”

I started to assure him, that they could be replaced,
His tattered shoes, no longer, would be to him disgrace.

When from behind we heard it, a voice so soft yet strong,
Stringing words together in a lilting, catchy song.

"The souls of men are sorta like the soles upon our feet,
If we don't tread on them with care, then holes and rips we'll meet"

My son was drawn with fervor, to that quirky little man,
He dropped my hand, with eyes lit up, picked up his feet and ran.

He climbed upon the bench and looked him straight into the eye,
Almost he asked a question, but paused and heaved a sigh.

He sighed again and then a saw a tear crawl down his cheek,
His mouth, it opened once again, this time he did speak.

He asked the man a question, what it was I could not hear,
The old man softly chuckled, then whispered in his ear.

At first, my son looked puzzled, then a little sad,
Because I couldn't hear them, I thought it might be bad.

Then I saw the dear old man, reach down into his sack,
He reached down deeper, deeper still and pulled out something black.

He placed it in my young son's hands, and whispered once again,
The frown it then turned upside down, on his face a grin.

I slowly came beside them, and sat down beside my son,
In his hands, a pair of shoes, I was truly stunned.

Not because he held some shoes, or that they weren't his size,
Because they were all full of holes, much to my surprise.

The old man looked upon my face, then looked down at my boy,
His wrinkled face was smiling, filled with so much joy.

A question burned inside of me, regarding his torn shoes,
How were they supposed to fix my son's case of the blues?

In the distance, we saw the bus, it was nearing fast,
The old man took a long deep breath, his time was almost past.

The shoes upon our feet may wear, the soles all full of holes,
But where they take us, who we meet, those should be our goals.

It's easy to put focus on the soles upon our feet,
And never pay attention to the souls that we might meet.

The holes within our leather soles can easily be sewn,
The holes within their weary souls, only ONE can own.

Our shoes are just an instrument to get us through the day,
But also, they remind us, about our purpose and our way.

Let the tiny rips and tattered heels remind you of the goal,
It's not about the holes or tears, it's all about the souls.

With that he stood, and grabbed his bag, and started on his way,
My son reached out and touched his arm, wanting him to stay.

With tender eyes, he looked into the face of my small boy,
His voice was filled with happiness, his smile filled with joy.

"Keep those shoes, dear little one, hold them safe and fast,
Spread the Word to all lost souls, today might be their last."

With that last word he turned to board and quickly found his seat,
The happy look upon his face was for the people he'd soon meet.

Once again my son did sigh, and turned to look at me,
Instead of sadness in his eyes, it was joy that I did see.

In words that I cannot forget, he said to me that day,
"We really do not need to throw my dear old shoes away"

"They will last a little longer, I can make them last,"
I knew within that moment that his childhood had past.

When we see the souls of men instead of leather soles,
It's then our focus turns and shifts to different kinds of holes.

Not the holes upon our feet, but the hole within our soul,
The one that only HE can fill, sharing that's our goal.

So when we see a worn out shoe, one with a rip or tear,
Remind yourself of another hole and the message we must share.

-Elizabeth Alm
March 20, 2013

They Come In 3's

I was at work today. And all day I was wishing that I wasn't at work. Why you ask? Um, because it is Friday. Because tomorrow I get to sleep in. Because I have an avocado waiting for me at home. Really, don't ask such ridiculous questions.

My Grandma Betty always used to say that things happened in 3's - both good and bad. In a lot of respects, she was correct in her outlook on life. Because, let's face it, it is either 'third time's the charm' or 'three strike's you're out.' Not with everything, obviously, but it does make some sense that because we have a trinitarian God, groups of threes are not uncommon (repeating number sequences in the Bible are especially fascinating to me, btw).

Back to things happening in threes. Typically, I am so quick to count the first two strikes, and hold my breath for the third. Yet, I very rarely count my blessings with the same anticipation. 

However, today I did. Today I had three blessings. If I were to analyze my day, then I probably had more than three. But three in particular stood out to me. Yes, I am going to tell you about them. And yes, they are awesome! I am not going to dwell long on the first two, not because they are unimportant, but because the third one was so awesome! And I cannot wait to tell you about it!

Blessing #1 - I drank a fabulous green juice today. Do not judge me or think this blessing is stupid, lol. I had money to buy it, a car to go pick it up and the knowledge that it can help me. Therefore it is a blessing! Also, I feel stinking AMAZING after I drank it, so that is also lumped in with the whole "juice blessing"!

Blessing #2 - I won a prize. Today at work we had a benefit'a fair for the employees. I wasn't going to go. I went. I wasn't going to enter the drawing for a prize. I did. I told myself that I never win stuff. Yet I did. Was it by chance that I won? Possibly. But what wasn't by chance was that on the prize table was worship CD I really wanted. That same CD was still sitting there when I got the call that I won a prize. Only Jesus knew I wanted the CD. And that is why is was such a blessing. My Father knows that music is my language, and He was speaking it to me. But He didn't stop with the CD, He kept going!

Blessing #3 - I stopped off in her (one of my residents) room to deliver a card. As I placed the card on her dresser, I noticed a framed piece of sheet music hanging on the wall. It was a song written by her, about Jesus. I walked back to my desk and noticed her watching tv. Man, I wanted to hear that song. I walked over to her, stooped beside her chair and asked her about it. Her face lit up, and she told me that she had written many songs.She started singing one for me. Not the one on the wall, but the one she chose was specifically what I needed. Her soft, warbly, trembling voice sent chills down my back. The words of the song sent even more chills. The line that stood out to me the most was, "Lord, make my life a blessing to bless someone today, Make my life a lighthouse to light somebody's way." She sang it to me twice. (cute!)

Then she started telling me about using her voice for Jesus - singing in nursing homes and praising "her" Jesus. "Hallelujah" flew so freely from her lips in praise and adoration for her Saviour. She said something that I want to hold onto for awhile, "If the Lord gives you even the smallest bit of talent, give it to Him - He will use it!" This hit me, because so often my prayer is "Lord, help me to use my talent for you." I realized that isn't what He wants. He just wants the talent. It is His anyway. Such a good reminder. Such a challenge from a very godly and spiritual woman.

Then she looked at me and said, "I can tell that you know Jesus, because I can see on your face that He lives inside of you." It never fails to get me right in my gut to hear people say that. Not out of pride. Please don't misunderstand me. But sometimes, I wonder if people "see" Him in me. Or if all people see is me.... When she said that she could see Jesus, that made my heart glad.

Then with the love of Jesus beaming through her eyes (remember when I talked about that 'Jesus Shine'), she put her arm around me and said,  "You are precious. You are a lovely woman. Come talk to me anytime, and if I get boring, just leave. You are beautiful. You are precious." Then she hugged me, kissed my cheek, and then kissed my forehead twice. 

These moments are amazing. They cannot be recreated, even if we try. They are completely in the moment - His moment. Don't get so caught up in your life or your tasks or your to do lists, that you miss out on moments like this. And here is the thing - these moments are EVERYWHERE... He wants us to have them. He wants to give them to us. But if we are too busy with our own agendas, we are going to miss out on them completely.

My heart is full. So full right now. She filled my love bank today.... I am humbled and blessed. I sat at the feet of one of the "aged" women and learned. I was taught and I willingly accepted. I was blessed, and in return, so was she. Because, another thing she said when she referred to her musical events at nursing homes, "You know, I went there to be a blessing to them, and yet, The Lord somehow turned it around so that it blessed me too."

And that is how it works folks, that's how it works.